Be The Person You Want To Date

So you’re not meeting the type of people you want to. You’re going on dates and you aren’t really clicking OR you can’t get dates with the type of people you’re attracted to. Well, rejection is bound to happen but at the core of rejections may  be this simple truth:

Maybe you aren’t the type of person that attracts the people you’re attracted to.

The first step to figuring this out is figuring out who you are on a really basic level. I can’t analyze you but I can figure out who I am on a pretty basic level so I’ll be my own example. To start, ask yourself these 12 Questions:

  1. How tall are you?
  2. What’s your body type?
  3. Are you physically active?
  4. How do you dress/Do you dress well?
  5. How attractive are you, overall?
  6. Are you single?
  7. Do you have children?
  8. What’s your living situation
  9. Are you successful in your career?
  10. Do you have a “good” hobby? (good hobby: reading vs  bad hobby: binge drinking)
  11. Where do you fall on politics and religion?
  12. What are you looking for in a relationship?

Now be brutally honest when you ask yourself these questions. You know deep down who you are. Just be real with yourself because in this case, cognitive dissonance isn’t helping you.

So as an example, here is a rundown of some basics about me:

  1. I’m Tall (6’2”)
  2. I’ve got an average build
  3. I’m moderately active physically. I do not live in the gym but I don’t loaf around all day everyday
  4. I dress pretty well. I occasionally get fancy
  5. I think I’m about average. Not on a scale of 1-10, just that half the people I encounter think I look attractive. Not necessarily that they are attracted to me, just that I’m not displeasing to the eye
  6.  I’m single
  7. I live alone
  8. I don’t have children
  9. I’m moderately successful in my career
  10. I read, draw, and blog
  11. I’m a liberal atheist
  12. I’m potentially looking for something long-term…with the right person

I’m not perfect and chances are that you aren’t either.

I’ll give you a run down of what my desired 12 qualities would be* (Sorry in advance, girls I used to date if you’re offended). Try it out and see what you come up with.

  1. 5’2” – 5’11”
  2. Average build*
  3. Moderately active physically
  4. Tends to dress well
  5. Average or better than average attractiveness* (*Listen I think you’re the most gorgeous girl in the world but some people wont. Those people are clearly REALLY dense. You’re fucking hot)
  6. 99% of the time they are single
  7. 99% of the time they are childless
  8. Usually they live with roommates, rarely do they live alone
  9. Moderately successful though the aberrations are always REALLY REALLY successful
  10. They tend to be readers or creative types. Artists, dancers, writers, etc.
  11. They’re usually liberal feminists who are agnostics, atheists or consider themselves spiritual
  12. For the most part they maybe might want something long term with the right person. Except the married one of course.

So with that taken care of try to guess what the 12 qualities are in the person you’d want to date. You don’t have to be 100% accurate just try to be as honest as you can be. Are you guys pretty similar?

You’ll notice that for the most part I tend to date people who are a lot like me. Want to know why?

It’s because I became the type of person I wanted to date.

There was a time when I wasn’t as fit (which is like…bare minimum level of fitness where I can walk and not wheeze) or as physically active,  didn’t dress as well, was less attractive (I thought goatees were cool once. They are never cool)…you get the idea. I made changes that were for the most part superficial and since then I’ve gone on to date people I found attractive. Not to say that I was dating people I wasn’t attracted to before, but now I’m dating people who are my type more often than not.

Now 6 of those questions you either cannot change, or are very difficult to change so you really should only work on the other 6.

That boy you like is all about fit people? You better join a gym, start jogging, take up rock climbing, etc. (2,3)

That girl you like has big hair, wears animal print dresses and uggs? Ok first of all DO NOT DATE HER. I’m kidding, invest in some Affliction T-shirts and hair gel bro. (4)

That girl you like is a total babe? Maybe shave your neckbeard for a start (5)

That boy you like is all about D&D? Time to invest in some polyhedronal dice and figure out if you’re chaotic neutral or lawful evil(10

That girl you like is ready for a commitment? Time to put on your big boy pants and get serious about being serious.(12)

You need to figure out who you are, who the people/person you’re attracted to is into, If you want to/can become that person and if so, what changes do you want to make.

It wont be easy but you can do it.

Good luck out there

*photocredit: http://mojobarbershop.com/

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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