There is no more place as frightening to the minds of some daters than the dreaded friendzone. So much so, that I’m often asked about. How to get out, what it is, Is it my fault (etc). I figured I’d tackle the top 5 questions on the friendzone. Here are my answers:
1. Why does the Friendzone exist?
Two reasons why it can exist. The first one is that someone isn’t interested in you romantically but wants to be your friend. The other is less common but is when someone tries to use your friendship and attraction to their advantage. Most people fall into the first type of friendzone which is really “I’m attracted to this person but they aren’t but they want to remain my friend” while the other is “I’m attracted, they’ve rejected me, and now they contact me when they need a favor”.
2. Do women put men in the friendzone? Do men put women in the friendzone?
I think that the only person who can put a person in the friendzone is themselves. Can people TRY to put you in the friendzone? Yes. Ultimately you are the one that decides to allow yourself to be put in the friendzone. I’ve never, ever been in the friendzone because I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of, and I also realize that you can be a friend to someone attractive without being in the friendzone.
3. How can I tell if I’m being friendzoned?
Simple test: Is this person treating me like an actual friend even after telling me that they’re not interested? If so, you’ve just been rejected, which is NOT the same as being put in the friendzone. Now, the friendzone that most people refer to (but most people aren’t actually in) is just a one-sided friendship where you’re used as a tool. Haven’t hung out as friends in months but suddenly they reach out for a favor? Friendzone. Only hear from them when they need a ride or a hand fixing something? Friendzone. A real friend can never put you in the friendzone, but a fake friend can.
4. How can I take things slow and get to know someone but avoid the friendzone?
A balancing act for sure. You want to make sure you show sustained romantic interest. You can do this by being as affectionate as your dating style will allow, lots of touch that you consider appropriate, and lots of communication. Telling someone early on that you like to take things slow but are definitely interested is a good start. Just be warned, when you’re dating someone and you’re not on the same page when it comes to dating styles, no amount of work can stop that from potentially being an issue.
5. Can you ever get out of the friendzone?
Absolutely! If it’s someone you’re interested in who only sees you as a friend you can do one thing that will always get you out of the friendzone: You can stop calling friendship the friendzone. Another thing to do which probably has a one percent success rating (but you should be doing at all times anyway) is show that you are a highly desirable person. Remember it’s SHOW and not TELL. People want to date confident and sexy people who are desired by others. The best way to show that’s the case is to build your confidence and work on ways to appear (and be) more sexy. Whether it’s working out more, dressing better, mastering small talk, or just having a better attitude about life, just focus on making yourself more datable. It might not get you the person you’re looking for, but it will get you someone else eventually. If you’re in the friendzone because someone is using your friendship as a tool to get what they want, stop being friends with them. The end.
Good Luck Out There.
photocredit: Timothy Krause (WarmSleepy)