Ladies, You Need To Get Better In Bed

I wrote a guy’s guide to being better in bed and ladies, I’d hate for you to feel left out. Don’t worry, this isn’t some Cosmo or Glamour article giving you tips on how to please your man. Let’s be real for a second. I’m a guy, and you know what’s the absolute best thing to please me is? Have sex with me. That’s it. Everything else is icing on the cake. So let’s get down to business:

1. Remember, it’s not all about him

You may have been told that sex is about pleasing a man, so let’s clear this up. Whether it’s from magazines, your friends, or whoever else, it’s definitely a pervasive way of thinking. Well, excuse my language, but:

Fuck. That. Noise.

Sex should be about mutual pleasure. Don’t focus on the ways to please your man because trust me, unless he has erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation, the act of penetrative sex alone is just about all he needs to orgasm. Some positions are more pleasing than others, but you need to remember to put focus on yourself during sex, and not be completely devoted to getting him off.

2. Learn how to give yourself an orgasm

There are some women who are anorgasmic but the percentage of women who are is extremely low (less than 5%). Chances are that you fall in the 95% of women out there and can orgasm. In order to have better sex, you need to know what gets you off. Most women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation and even fewer women can orgasm during penetrative sex at all. My advice is this: figure out what gets you off, and get it. If it’s using a vibrator, your hands, specific positions, BDSM, roleplaying,  or warming up before sex, go for it. If you find that no matter what you do, you can’t orgasm during sex, that’s fine too. Let your partner know, let them know it’s not a challenge to their masculinity, and let them know that you might do what you have to do to finish before or after sex. Guys tend to think that an orgasm automatically equals great sex, because men usually subscribe to the “Cold Pizza” philosophy of orgasms (i.e. all pizza, even cold is good, thus, any sex that leads to an orgasm is good). If you can orgasm during sex, get your partner to give you what you need. If you can’t let them know what they can do before or after sex so you have a great experience.

3. Speak up

If you’ve ever dated a man you know that even the quietest or shyest among us knows what we want. Maybe you’ve been taught by someone or something, *cough* the patriarchy *cough*,  that asking for what you want somehow makes you a slut or a whore. I repeat to you again:

Fuck. That. Noise.

There is nothing wrong with getting what you want, and it does not make you any less of a woman for asking for what you want. If you’re sleeping with a guy and he thinks any less of you for knowing what you want, drop him. Speak up about what you need to derive pleasure during sex and if you’re dating a man worth his salt he wont have a problem with it.

4. Don’t be a dead fish

Unless this is the position you need to bring you to orgasm, (which I highly doubt, because most positions that bring women to orgasm are on a 45 degree angle, but anything is possible), you should not be lying in bed like a dead fish. I’m not saying that you need to do your best porn star impression, but don’t just lie there like dead weight. If you’re not enjoying a position, shift and move until you’re in a better position. If the sex feels good, don’t feel self-conscious about how you look or sound, just do what feels natural. I’m not saying that the missionary position itself is inherently bad, but laying there not moving is (probably) not enjoyable for you or your partner.

5. Demand foreplay

I’m probably preaching to the choir , but on the off-chance that I’m not, on average it takes women longer to reach an aroused and orgasmic state than it does for the guys out there. Whatever your preferred method of foreplay is, whether kissing, massage, fondling, or oral stimulation, do not be afraid to demand it before sex. Demanding what you want does not make you any less of woman and anyone worth their salt will not think less of you for demanding foreplay.

Real talk: If a guy refuses to engage in foreplay with you, he could give two shits about your pleasure. If that’s the case, don’t sleep with him.

Demand foreplay before sex and be unapologetic about it.

6. Don’t fake it

Sex is about pleasure, not validation. If you’re faking it, you’re doing yourself and your partner a disservice.

Do Not Fake It

If you didn’t orgasm but you can during sex, tell your partner what to do to get you there the next time. If you can’t orgasm during sex, tell your partner. Whatever you do, do not fake it. It leads to a false sense of accomplishment and perpetuates a terrible behavior. Don’t lie to make someone feel better. Lying about someone’s performance will in no way encourage them to get better in bed. It’s not your responsibility to make someone better in  bed, but do you want to sleep with someone who is bad in bed who thinks they’re good, or would you rather tell them what turns you on and have better sex?

Rhetorical question.

There you have it ladies! If your partner has read my tips and you read these tips, you’ll be having better sex in no time.

Good Luck Out There

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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