I’m getting mixed signals from her. Any advice?

MikeNashFlash asks:

Met this girl at a dancing class I go to, and I’m really interested in her. I’m not sure whether she’s into me, though. She’s been sending me signals that she likes me – one time she sidled up to me and went “Heeyyy you :)”, and I once was getting a lift from her on her bicycle and I asked her if she wanted me to hold anything and she went “Umm…. me??” and then smiled/laughed. All seems very positive – in fact, she didn’t have money for the class one time, so I paid for her and afterward, she said she would pay me back and “buy me a drink as interest”. After that she started mentioning pubs close by to her house in casual conversation. Seemed to me like she might have been suggesting something. Problem is, I asked her last week about that drink she owes me. She’s a very busy lady, and we were talking about how busy she is, and I said “Yeah, you’re so busy, when are you gonna find time to buy me that drink???” and her response was “Umm… August??? Hahahaha. I’m sure we’ll find time. If not, there’s always our dancing class!” (our dancing class takes place in a pub, so there are drinks available there.)

I saw her this week, after a while and I walked her home, and she didn’t seem to be flirting with me at all. So what gives? One minute she’s really into me, then the next she doesn’t seem to be into me at all. What am I supposed to do? Did I miss my window, or do I just need to be more forward, and make it clear I want to go on a date with her? The problem is, I’m not very good at flirting, so I might not have conveyed to her very effectively that I’m into her.

Any advice would be massively appreciated!

Mike, I can call you Mike right? Mike, you are TERRIBLE at reading signals. You’re as bad as the replacement referees from the 2012 NFL season. I mean wow, you’re missing out on some pretty clear signs. Okay Mike, I’m done busting your chops, let’s get to the actual advice.

I’ll be fair and say that some of this signals might be construed as mixed signals, but they are closer to being, I guess the best way to describe it is test signals. It’s possible that she sending out “test signals” because she’s not ready to escalate to dating, or she could just be interested in dating, but is playing coy. Based on what you’ve mentioned about her, specifically that she is busy, has me thinking that while she is interested in you, and is probably attracted to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants things to progress to dating just yet. “Why wouldn’t she want things to progress?” you ask, well for starters you’re taking a class with her. Maybe she’s concerned that if you do go on a few dates and things don’t work out things will become awkward in class, or maybe she doesn’t want to date, or maybe she  is too busy to date, or any number of reasons. Whatever the reason might be, she’s clearly hesitant to actually set up a concrete date, but is definitely showing some level of attraction with you. Of course, when you’re attracted to someone you like to know if they’re attracted to you, so you flirt and send out test signals. They aren’t exactly mixed signals, because the attraction is there, but you’d do this with someone who you’re attracted to but in your head don’t think you should date for whatever reason.

Now I just want to be clear here, your signals are not exactly clear either. Based on what you’ve said and described, it sounds a bit like the flirting is pretty one-sided, so that might be why you’re getting false signals from her. No one wants to flirt and be shut down, or receive tepid interest. Besides the whole “When are you going to buy me a drink” comment, you don’t mention ever really telling her that you’re in to her. I think that’s also part of the problem, but it’s not like it’s not salvageable.

I don’t think you necessarily missed your window, you just need to approach things with her a bit more…obtusely than you normally would. Asking someone to get a drink is a great way to approach things, but you might try  approaching things as loosely as she does.  What I want you to do the next time you have class together is ask her to get a drink with you in the pub where your classes take place. It doesn’t have to be a super flirty gesture, it doesn’t have to be suave, just say “Hey, let’s get a drink at the pub after class”. What’s important here is to not make it sound like she has to pay you back for the class you paid for, because to me that sounds less like a date and more like a friend paying back a friend. If she seems to be into it and the drinks goes well ask if she’d be down to hang out after class again next week. If the trend continues, ask her out on an actual date. If you’re feeling lucky and want to risk a potentially awkward moment, lean in for a kiss after you walk her home.

Oh and you didn’t ask, but I’m gonna give you advice anyway. Here’s how you get better at flirting: Play the copycat game. This is the easiest way to flirt and will eventually help you to learn to initiate flirting. Whenever she says a flirty comment, copy her and adjust the language to make it appropriate. Here’s some examples:

  • Her comment is “Hey You!”, your response should be “Hey Yourself” using the tone she used
  • When you ask what to hold onto and she says “Umm…me?” and laughs, you laugh back and say something along the lines of “I was hoping you’d say that” or something else that conveys enjoyment with the idea of holding her
  • When she says something along the lines of her “buying you a drink as interest” you can flip it by saying “I’m more interested in buying you a drink”

I know it seems hard to do on the spot, but just practice doing it. She says you look good, say she looks good. She says she had a great time with you, say the same. It’s not that hard to flirt so don’t get caught up in your head assuming you have to be Don Juan. Just be earnest when you express your interest and you’ll find that it resonates with the people that are interested in you (and hopefully this girl).

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

2 thoughts on “I’m getting mixed signals from her. Any advice?

  • September 19, 2015 at 10:06 am
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    I like the tiny advice on flirting, could use this myself.

    Reply
  • April 29, 2016 at 6:57 am
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    Hmm, honestly it seems like he was well aware she was into him. Didn’t pull the trigger when he had the chance, and the chance past, most likely she started seeing someone else.

    Reply

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