My boyfriend wont stop bragging. Is this a serious issue?

lovesiicles asks: 

I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of weeks and everything is going pretty well, except for the fact that he doesn’t stop bragging about himself. I won’t disclose where he is from but he always brags about how his race/culture is the best and always goes out of his way to point out things related to his race. But, the thing is, we are currently in an interracial relationship (I’m Asian).

Sometimes I feel a bit bad because he’d be bragging about his culture and I feel as if he’s degrading me, because I can’t really relate. And I’m beginning to wonder why he likes me in the first place and why he doesn’t just find a girl from his culture. I’ve asked him why he likes me and he says that first of all, he has “yellow fever” and thinks asian girls are the cutest. He also emphasizes intelligence and sense of humour. But does this make up for the fact that I’m not part of his race?

Am I just overreacting or is thing a legitimate issue?

Demetrius says:

I read your question and let out the deepest of deep sighs. You asked a few questions  when really you should be asking a whole other question. Since this topic is a bit dense, I’ll lay out your questions first:

  • Is my boyfriend’s constant bragging about himself a serious issue?
  • Is he degrading me when he brags about the superiority of his race and culture?

Those are great questions, but you left out another question which is the most important one in my opinion:

  • Is my boyfriend a racist?

I’m afraid the answer to your questions, plus the one I posited are all YES. Your boyfriend is a racist, he is degrading you, and it’s a serious issue.

Now, you might be thinking “If he’s a racist, why is he dating an Asian woman?” and that’s a great question, it really is. The thing is, a lot of people think of racism as this openly hateful thing that tries to enslave people, the use of racial slurs, or the reduction of people to a sub-human level. People tend to not think of racism as someone casually believing that their race is superior. Let’s separate the idea of racism from the Transatlantic Slave trade and get down to what racism really is: The belief that different races are superior or inferior to other races.

By your own admission, your boyfriend regularly tells you that his race is superior to other races. That is the literal definition of racism. You’re dating someone who is telling you every time he brags about how superior his race is, that your race is inferior. Every time he says “My race is the best because of x,y,z” he’s also saying “My race is the best because of x,y,z, ALSO your race is inferior because of x,y,z”. Some people might think that there is a thin line between pride in your race and racism but trust me, there is not. There is a huge difference in saying “I really love my culture and take pride in it” and “My culture is better than yours”. If he’s constantly bragging about how much better his race is, you’re not overreacting if it bothers you. It’s a legitimate issue.

Another thing that wasn’t necessarily a question, but something that needs to be addressed. Based on what you said, your boyfriend really isn’t dating you, he’s dating the idea of you. I hate to break this to you, but he’s not dating you per se, because you’re a surrogate for your race, or a surrogate for the larger catchall of “Asian”. You are the living embodiment of his “Yellow Fever” which is just another way of saying “Fetish for dating and sex with any attractive Asian I can find”. He’s not attracted to you in the traditional sense (i.e. your personality, your compatibility, etc.) he’s attracted to dating an Asian girl. I don’t know if this is all that clear yet but this is a legitimate issue. Not only is his racism degrading to you, or anyone else for that matter, the fact that his primary reason for attraction to you is your race is incredibly insulting to you as an individual. If he really believes in the superiority of his race, he is dating you as a pastime or experience gathering. Once he has crossed “Asian” off of his sexual tourism list, he will drop you for someone of his own race, because you’re inferior in his eyes.

Now I just want to answer the question that you didn’t ask, but it’s one you need to ask: Should I stay with him? No. Unequivocally, unabashedly, undoubtedly, no. This is a man who not only believes that he is superior to you by virtue of being born, he also is primarily attracted to you because of his own admission of having “Yellow fever“. This is not someone you have a future with in the slightest. As a rule of thumb, if anyone tells me that the person they are dating makes them feel degraded, I tell them that they should not date them, simple as that. In your case, I’m especially adamant about this because 1) you deserve way better and 2) He’s a racist and is only dating you because you’re Asian. I don’t know how I can be anymore clear when I say this but, you need to drop him ASAP.

I usually try to close out my advice with some words of encouragement and soften the advice if it was a little bit harsh, but not today.

Your boyfriend is a racist, and he’s only dating you because you’re Asian.

Drop him and move on.

The End.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.