Polite text after One-Night Stand. Good idea?

skiwi_ asks:

So, I (M, 30) had this one-night stand with a girl I met in a bar last weekend. It’s clear to me I don’t intend to pursue this any further. However as I was leaving, for some reason, I noted we didn’t exchanged numbers… she proposed we would and so we did. It’s pretty likely we’ll meet some time again since we go to some of the same bars. So I’m hoping for some advice. Should I write to avoid an awkward encounter or is this achieving the opposite giving idle hope?

Demetrius says:

It’s a simple situation, you met a girl, you hooked up, but you’re not really interested in pursuing anything further. We wont get into the “why” of it because the “why” doesn’t matter. You hooked up, and for whatever reason, you decided not to pursue things further. Who you date and how you date are your prerogative and so I’ll spare you the whole spiel that One-Night Stands aren’t inherently bad and maybe give it another shot. I think we have to look at why you’d send the text, what you’d hope the outcome of the text is, and what to say and when to say it. If it’s unclear based on everything I said above, I think you should send this text. It’s the right thing to do.

You want to avoid dragging things out, or running into her and having things be awkward. Both of those are good reasons, and I think you’re being pretty decent about dealing with your one night stand. Plenty of people would just avoid reaching out to avoid having that awkward conversation. Younger Demetrius was definitely guilty of that. I’m hoping that what you want to get out of the text is closure for the girl involved, and not a sense that you did the right thing so you’re a good guy. Even though you’re rejecting this girl, you want to make sure that she at least knows she did nothing wrong, you just aren’t looking for anything beyond a one night stand. Most importantly, you want to be clear that the fault is on you, not her.

When sending your text, make sure it contains a compliment sandwich, and an apology. You don’t need your text to be dishonest or say anything just to please her, such as “I’m the worst and you wouldn’t want to date me because I’m not good enough for you“. No, you’ll want to balance between tact, honesty, and directness. The best way to do that is with a compliment sandwich. “What’s a compliment sandwich?“, you might be wondering. Well a compliment sandwich is one layer Compliment, one layer Critical, one layer Compliment. It’s commonly used in work settings, but I advise using it in any aspect of your life, especially with breakups. So, here’s an example of your compliment sandwich:

IMG_1482
Don’t worry, I texted myself and saved my myself as “One Night Stand” this isn’t a real text

Here’s a breakdown of the compliment sandwich listed above:

Compliment

Hey. I had a really great time with you last night

Critical

“With that said, I don’t think I’m at the point in my life where I’m ready to date anyone”

Compliment

“You seem like a great person and I wish you all the best”

Bonus feature – The Apology

“I’m sorry to have to send you this text and I wish you all the best”

When you apologize, you don’t have to apologize for the fact that you had a one-night stand because there isn’t anything inherent wrong with casual sex, but you will need to apologize if you misled them, or didn’t give them enough information to know that a one night stand wouldn’t lead to dating. As for when you should send this text, the answer is AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Don’t let her sit around waiting to hear from you, hopeful that you’ll be going on a date soon. It’s already a bad situation, don’t make it worse by giving her hope.

Now that we’ve got that covered, here’s some tips so that you don’t have to ever write this text again. If you’re only looking for one-night stands, you need to be more upfront about it then you were. If you know when meeting someone who you’re only looking for sex, or if they sleep with you that you wont want to date them long-term, you need to let people know. You’d be surprised by how many people actually don’t care if you’re only looking for hookups. You might think that sending an apology text makes you a good guy, but it doesn’t. Even writing that text still makes you the bad guy. If you had been upfront about your lack of desire to date this girl, you wouldn’t have to send her this text in the first place. When she replies telling you how crappy you are, you’re just going to have taken it because you weren’t honest upfront.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

5 thoughts on “Polite text after One-Night Stand. Good idea?

  • June 17, 2015 at 2:53 pm
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    This is a great question and so many people will handle this scenario differently. If you do send a text I don’t think it is necessary to apologize as you both consented to the one night stand without expectations at the time. Any text that is sent will open a door to more conversation so be careful if you are truly not interested in this person. Sometimes doing the right thing is not doing anything. Just texting someone to be nice doesn’t necessarily make the person feel as good as you may think. Great blog Demetrius! 🙂

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  • June 17, 2015 at 10:48 pm
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    I would wait to send the text unless she’s contacting you for more. Maybe she just wanted a one night stand too. The two of you may be mutually walking away from this encounter knowing you never intend to have sex again. She might have suggested getting together again just to ease your ego as you went out the door. I’ve certainly foundmyself in situations where I said, “Yeah, let’s do this again,” just to escape without rejecting a guy.

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  • June 17, 2015 at 11:17 pm
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    I don’t think you need to send a text unless she is contacting you and expecting more. How do you know that she doesn’t feel the same way? Maybe it was a mutually one-night one night stand. I’ve found myself in many a situation where I said, “Yeah, we should do this again,” without intending to EVER see a man again. I just didn’t want drama in the moment. Don’t assume that it was so great for her that you need to apologize for not wanting to see her again. It might be mutual.

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