How do I just walk away from a girl I have feelings for?

datingthrowaway1993 asks:

Girl I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. She’s conflicted about making it exclusive. I know she’s not seeing other guys but she’ll alternate between affection/intimacy and then completely ignore me. I really like her but I’ve pretty much come to realize this probably won’t become anything more than it is and that bothers me. I want to just go no contact, but I’m having a hard time quelling the feeling in my chest. How do I make it stop?


Demetrius says:

When you feel like you have to end things because of these sort of reasons it always sucks. It’s always easier to end a relationship where someone is cruel or malicious, but how do you get over someone when you are the one who has to do the breaking up? It’s a tough issue because most people have breakup advice geared toward the hurt or hurting. It’s all “Chin up bucko, it’ll get better” but what if you’re the one who has to end things for your own well-being?

You really need to decide if you want to walk away from her at all. I think you should and I wont pretend otherwise. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, specifically with what your status in the relationship is, you need to get out of that relationship. Others might advise that you wait it out, but that never works. Your instincts are telling you it’s time to end it The time you invested only counts if you’re working toward the same goal. Your goal is exclusivity, her goal is her independence. She wants affection, intimacy, and a relationship that is centered upon how she’s feeling at the time. She definitely doesn’t want to give up that independence, and you want to feel like your commitment actually involves commitment on her end.

With all that said, ending things wont be easier. No contact might be the best route, but no contact AFTER telling her why you want to break up. You’ve been together for a few months, so get your issues all out in the open and just be honest. You want to move on because you know what you want, and she isn’t able to provide it. You’re not angry with her, but you know that you won’t be happy by staying in relationship limbo with her. Tell her all those things, but remember that this isn’t a discussion or a dialogue, it’s a breakup. Don’t let her try to convince you to stick around in the hopes of getting what you want at an unspecified later date through some unspecified means. After all that is done, just let her know that despite your lack of anger, you feel like you need to go no contact to get over her. She might be upset by this, but you’re at the point where you need to do what’s best for you, not what will make her feel better. This is one of those rare times that you need to be selfish.

At this point, delete her phone number, delete any pictures you have together, delete chat logs, delete her email address, block her on social media, really salt the earth if you get what I’m saying here. It’s okay to remember the good times, but keeping physical reminders, or worse reminders on the internet that can pop up at any time, is a recipe for disaster. Don’t bring her up to friends, family, or in any context other than “We’ve broken up, it was my decision. I don’t want to talk about it”. Minimize how often she’s brought up in your everyday life and pretty soon, you’ll start to think of her less and less. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. If you’re having trouble doing that, remind yourself why you broke up. When doing so, if a but… thought comes into your head, don’t entertain it. Take the advice of my mother and remember that “everything after but is bullshit” Just because someone is nice and sweet and gives you almost everything you want does not mean you need to date them The one thing she couldn’t give you is the one thing you absolutely needed, so everything else that you were getting doesn’t really matter. Remember that no matter how much of the other stuff you enjoyed, the thing you wanted was always out of reach.

She doesn’t sound like a bad person, and you shouldn’t think of her as a bad person, just a bad match for you. It won’t be easy to end things and bounce back from your heartbreak but you will with time. Just make sure you keep her out of your thoughts and out of your life for a while so you get used to life without her.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

3 thoughts on “How do I just walk away from a girl I have feelings for?

  • August 20, 2015 at 8:26 am
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    I think you should walk away. But be OK with that decision. She may come running after you, but be OK with the fact that she might not and realise that this is helping you be free to eventually meet someone new.

    Great advice on this blog as usual. Would love to have your thoughts on my latest post about BAGGAGE : https://rinsebeforeuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/baggage/

    Reply
  • April 19, 2016 at 8:16 pm
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    i love my lady so much i cant just walk away from her i cant take ththpain an heart break but its killing me

    Reply
    • April 20, 2016 at 11:43 am
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      Not knowing all the details I can’t say for sure what you should do, but it sounds like, unless I’m reading it wrong, that you’re in love with a girl who you know you should break up with (which is causing you pain) but you know that the breakup will also cause you pain. Without knowing the details, I’d suggest moving on, but again that’s me saying this without relevant details. Ultimately you have to decide if the pain of leaving will be worse than staying. It might be more intense in the short term but if you know this wont work in the long term and you’re just slowly putting yourself through pain every day you stay with her. If you want to give me more details in private, feel free to email me at taoofindifference@gmail.com

      Reply

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