How do I go from Tinder chat to Tinder Date?

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PhNaHaBl92 asks:
How do you guys develop things when you are having a good conversation on Tinder so it doesn’t peter out with a hundred messages but no arrangement?

I am chatting with a girl on Tinder at the moment and we are doing fine, but when she at one point asked me what I was studying, I halted for a second. People usually react with skepticism whenever I reveal what I do so I tried to play it a bit mysterious and wrote “You can find out if you will have cup of coffee with me”. She seems to ignore it though, still talking about the other stuff we were conversing about as if I never wrote that. Perhaps it was a silly move on my part. Should I just be straight forward (in general as well) and say, “Look, I like chatting with you but let us meet in real life and have a real conversation somewhere nice” like I would in real life? Anyone has any success with a fixed strategy?


Demetrius says:

I think that you didn’t necessarily make a huge mistake by trying to coyly hint that you’d like to meet for a cup of coffee, but that it’s possible that it came off as premature, or that you were being evasive. Maybe even both. No way of knowing for sure, and if I had to guess I would say that you’re never going to meet this girl. Once you come off as too aggressive or too needy, the odds of meeting in person are cut down. Sure, you said it as a joke, but now everything you do will be interpreted as being aggressive. Asking someone out for coffee is like, the least most aggressive thing in the world, but things tend to get a bit magnified on Tinder. It wasn’t a bad move per se, but if she completely ignored your comment, that was a passive aggressive “No thanks” on her part. Even without ever seeing your Tinder messages I’m sure I could predict how they are going right now. Up until that point you were messaging back and forth, there was some playful banter and then you said that you should meet for coffee to discuss what you’re studying. Since then, I’m willing to bet that her responses have been cut down to 1-5 words at most. She’s also not trying to initiate conversations so much as she is answering questions as tersely as possible. If you’re nodding your head reading this, you’re not alone. If I’m right, which c’mon let’s be real I know I’m right, just move on. No follow-up message, no “We really should meet”, none of that. No goodbyes, just stop sending her messages and move on.

Now, as for transition from Tinder chatting to Tinder date in real life, you’ve got to work on your instincts. I could give you an arbitrary timeframe, like 2 weeks, and that would be a good timeframe to hold to, but it’s more about what you discuss and develop during that timeframe. If for example, your conversations are flowing, you’re clicking, you’re both down to meet and it’s only been 2 days, go for it. If she’s traveling for 2 weeks and can only respond to messages once a day during that time, you might wait a bit longer to meet her. 2 weeks are a great benchmark, but it doesn’t have to be the only goal.

How you transition from Tinder to a date is simple. To do it, you have to message with purpose. You should be messaging so that at minimum, you get the basics of this person down: Likes and dislikes, interests, compatibility, chemistry etc. If you feel like you’re at the point where you want to meet them, transition to communicating by phone. Ask for her phone number, and then text her. Now, some women might say they prefer to be called, but trust me, statistically speaking it’s just not true, so you’re fine texting prior to a first date. Send a simple text saying that you’d like to meet and ask when and if she’d be interested in meeting. Schedule a time and place and date and stick to it. If she seems to be wishy-washy on the idea of meeting, it’s up to you if you want to text until she’s comfortable with meeting or not. Personally I think it’s better to meet sooner rather than later, but some women are hesitant to do that, with good reason. Either way, the only surefire way to transition from chatting to texting to dating is to ask. If she avoids the question, avoid her. She’s not interested in meeting, so move on. If she circles back, by all means meet up with her.

But seriously though, when someone asks what you’re studying, be honest about it. When you were being coy it came off, I’m guessing, as you being shady. I can’t think of one field of study that would cause people to react with skepticism, but even if they do, so what? It’s not your job to protect people’s feelings, just be an honest person and you’ll draw the right people to you. One other thing, when trying to transition from chatting to meeting in person, don’t start your sentence off with “Look…”. This might sound nitpicky, but trust me, it comes off as preachy. I know this because I constantly write “Look…” when I answer this questions and it makes me come off as preachy :D, but hey, I give advice. It’s kind of my thing.

I wish you the best, and if you don’t meet this girl (you wont, trust me) there are plenty of other fish int he Tinder sea.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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