I’m worried that no girl wants to date a 26y/o Virgin. What can I do?

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A788483fhdjd asks:

So like the title says I am still a virgin at 26 years old. I’ve never been in a real relationship because of my weight. I’ve been shut in for most of my life because I’ve been so self-conscious. I’ve lost most of the weight now and I’m a pretty good-looking guy but I feel so ashamed now of my virgin status. All the women my age are experienced and have had lots partners. I’ve checked out online dating and stuff but I feel like no woman around my age wants to be with a virgin. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go out and meet women because I’m afraid of the reaction when they learn about it. I feel like I’ll weird anyone out or scare them off if I told them. Am I worried over nothing?


Demetrius says:

Fun fact: No one knows you’re a virgin unless you tell them. Not sure if you knew that, but surprisingly, no one can tell what your sexual history is unless you divulge it. I know it might sound crazy to you but trust me, your experience, or lack thereof, really doesn’t matter all that much. I mean, sure it matters in the sense that you might not know what you’re doing, or what feels good to someone, but it doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things.

I know I usually preach honesty here, but what I’m about to say is antithetical to that: You can lie by omission. You’re right in thinking that being a virgin would be considered unattractive to some women, so I’ll give you that. Your fears are not without merit. You can blame society for that one though. It’s weird because our society values virginity in women, while it eschews virginity in men, which makes no sense. If the population of Earth is close to a 50/50 split between men and women, how the hell could all those men have sexual experiences after reaching the age of sexual maturity while we expect most women to remain virgins for as long as possible? I don’t want to turn this into a rant about how society handicaps itself with these outdated sexual mores dating back to the dawn of written history, but seriously, it’s the most counterproductive patriarchal garbage idea out there. That said, I’m acknowledging how dumb those ideas are and telling you, straight-up, lie by omission. Unless someone directly asks you if you’ve had sex before, don’t tell them. It really serves no purpose other than potentially driving away a partner. Your virginity has absolutely no bearing on you as a person.

Yes, your inexperience has some bearing on your skill in the bedroom, but what does that actually have to do with who you are as a person. Here are the few things that I think you should share with a potential partner when it comes to sex:

  • Do you currently have a sexually transmitted disease/infection?
  • When was the last time you were tested for an STD/STI, and was that testing for all known STDs/STIs? (lot’s of places, like free clinics in NYC, don’t test for Herpes, just fyi)
  • Do you currently have any active sexual partners?

….and that’s it. I don’t think you’re obligated to share anything else unless you choose to. If I’m going to engage with a new sexual partner, I tell them the answer to those 3 things. I don’t get into my experience, or lack thereof, and I don’t think you should either. You can tell a partner you’re inexperienced and that’s okay. You can ask a partner for direction and that’s okay too. If you absolutely want to, you can tell a partner you’re a virgin, but it’s not necessary. Your experience, or lack thereof, shouldn’t be a stigma, whether it’s a none, a little, or a lot.

Now with that said, you should probably work to get some knowledge about sex. You should not be trying to get that knowledge from porn. Real sex does not look like porn, like at all. If you haven’t already, learn how to put on a condom for a start. From there, you might want to pick up some literature on pleasuring women. The most recommended book I can think of is She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. It comes HIGHLY recommended from some pretty forward thinking women in my life who value their own pleasure, so you’ll just have to take my word and their word for it.

To close this out, yes, this is one of the few times you can lie by omission. It’s a pretty valid fear honestly, the same way that a woman with a high number of sexual partners will turn off a lot of men. Not that it’s right, or that I agree with thinking that way, I’m just sharing some pretty common knowledge with you. Some women wont be turned off by your inexperience, but a lot will, so not bringing it up early on is a good idea. If it comes up and you want to discuss it with your partner, go for it, but don’t feel obligated to tell every girl you meet that you’re a virgin. Don’t be afraid to go out there and meet women! You put in all that work to lose weight, which I applaud, so now you just need to put in the work to meet someone great.

Good Luck Out There.

 

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

4 thoughts on “I’m worried that no girl wants to date a 26y/o Virgin. What can I do?

    • October 26, 2015 at 2:27 pm
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      It’s absolutely not a terrible thing to be a virgin at 26. Maybe in the days where you were sold to someone for livestock on the basis of your virginity whether or not you were a virgin mattered but today, not so much.

      Reply
  • November 8, 2015 at 9:28 pm
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    Be confident! As long as you don’t bring it up a thousand times to the point where you make it a blister in the relationship, you will be fine. You have much more to offer. Do you listen to people? Do you have a hobby you want to share? Can you make someone feel special? Chances are, if you can do this, your partner won’t care! If she does, she is a loser and congrats! You just weeded out a crazy person. Sex, is easy, when I lost it at 22 to my current boyfriend this year the same week I got my first kiss, I found just working on making your partner a happy camper is a great way if you feel you are more inexperienced than most. I found doing things to make up for my experience was helpful, the next day I poured coffee and orange juice, I made up for my clumsiness with a shower together and kissing, who can screw that up? Just stand close to each other and wash yourselves. Incorporate back massages or leg messages as foreplay. Then take it slow, try to enjoy yourself enjoying them watch them each time you do something, ask them to show you they enjoy. Make sex a full experience.

    How to Fail as a Virgin:

    When I was a virgin I dumped a virgin guy because he wouldn’t stop complaining about his need to “lose it fast because he was too old”. It was unattractive. I didn’t care less about his numbers, I understood and felt sorry he played into that sexist nonsense about his own worth. I find religious virgins are more confident in dating because they are not ashamed of it. I am not religious; I get it when a Catholic guy says “I am a virgin for marriage because I want to be, now let’s watch a movie.” I notice the men who fall under the “I just haven’t had it yet” may act rushed and neurotic because they think “I need to rid it fast, everyone is having sex, I am a weirdo, they all think I’m gross” which scares off potential partners.

    First: There are no set rules to when you should have sex. No one is having constant sex, there are long dry spells. If a guy is claiming he has sex constantly, what is he trying to prove? Sad guy. Females , hell even men do not and will not have sex hourly with everyone like porn shows. People don’t know how much porn destroys a view of sex, my younger cousin asked me if getting choked out in the end was normal because she watched it in porn. She also didn’t want to have sex because she thought it was normal! Porn makes people feel like everyone is easily getting it but they are not so they get bitter. Porn is fake, no one is having that much sex, no one is having that style of sex, porn is Hollywood for naked people who couldn’t make it in real movies. Don’t learn sex from porn, if you want to view real sex, watch amateur, vanilla stuff. Even some of the angles are fake.

    Third: When people do have sex, they will find, it’s nothing more than a bunch of bumping and you won’t turn into a unicorn in the end. You will not feel like a different person afterward.

    Stop subscribing to that sexist “get 10000 lays now or you are not a man” crap. It’s super oppressive for both genders.

    Reply

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