We like each other but we’re both Rebounding. How do I handle this?

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Missmanaged1724 asks:

I am fairly certain that I (27/f) have met the man of my dreams. (24/m). We’ve crossed paths off and on over the past two years, but have begun interacting more frequently. There is a very present attraction and “click” between us, however we both have left nasty relationships earlier this year. While I’m ready to move on, he isn’t. Not only is he not ready to move on, he’s unwilling to even hang out at all because: ~ he wants a relationship with me ~ but doesn’t want one now ~ and proclaims that if he hangs out with me, he’ll try to sleep with me and doesn’t want to screw up what could be in the future.

I have never run into this situation before. I have taken a step back, and we still talk daily. I don’t want to suddenly act uninterested, but don’t want to push him in any way. He’s definitely worth the wait, but I feel that I’m walking on eggshells, at the moment. Any advice?


Demetrius says:

You know, the more I write, the more I realize that certain words or phrases immediately rouse my suspicion. One of those instances is when people use fantasy imagery to describe someone. Any time someone uses the phrase “person of my dreams” I do a little eye-roll, and with good reason. Usually, their attraction is a bit misguided, and I think that might be the case here.

Did you, as a young girl, dream of one day dating a man who is 3 years younger than you, someone you haven’t really hung out with, someone who went through a breakup so terrible that he’s hesitant to meet you? Honey, you need to dream bigger. What I do believe is actually true about what you said is the attraction part. You’re probably both attracted to each other, and that seems clear. I’m guessing that on your end it’s closer to being an infatuation then a legit attraction. Yes you click and that’s cool and all, but you’ve admitted that you merely crossed paths off and on over the last two years. I’m not sure at what point, and through what interactions, you’ve come to the conclusion that he’s the one, but I sincerely doubt he is the one. It seems like this guy is a very attractive person who you have sexual chemistry with, and that might be it. You’re both rebounding and it’s fairly clear that he knows he’s rebounding. He’s unwilling to hang out with you because he knows it will lead to rebound sex, which is smart on his part. The fact that you don’t see this as an infatuation occurring during your rebound period is interesting, considering that you’re older than him. Ah well, we can’t all be perceptive all the time, and I can understand how going through a tough breakup can throw you off your game.

You don’t need to walk on eggshells with him, but at the same time, I wouldn’t recommend that you wait around for him. I’m still trying to figure out how much time you’ve actually spent together and I’m getting the feeling like it’s a fairly negligible amount. It’s definitely a good idea to create some distance between you both, but feel free to talk to him daily. If he really is the one, which I HIGHLY DOUBT, eventually he’ll get past his rebound phase and start dating you in earnest. Part of your keeping your distance should also include keeping an open mind about potentially meeting someone else. Don’t forget that you’re also going through a rebound as well. I’m just speculating, but I think you might be trying to rush things with this guy because you miss the comfort that a relationship brings. Instead of trying to force things with him, keep an open mind about meeting someone who isn’t dealing with the baggage of a breakup.

If he’s worth the wait, he’ll think you’re worth the wait so the distance wont mean a thing. If, on the off-chance that you’re wrong, hopefully you’ve taken my advice and kept your options open.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

10 thoughts on “We like each other but we’re both Rebounding. How do I handle this?

  • October 27, 2015 at 11:28 am
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    The first part us Sooo good, excellent call on that comment man of her dreams, then pointing out some obvious flaws in the dream guy. Love it

    Reply
  • October 28, 2015 at 1:17 am
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    How long have you been giving dating advice now, Demetrius?

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      • October 28, 2015 at 9:37 am
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        Ah. Also I think I remember reading that you’ve got roughly 10 years worth of dating experience in New York, is that right?

      • October 28, 2015 at 9:44 am
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        Yes. I’m a lifelong New Yorker, but more specifically I’ve dated in NY since 2003 (so it’s closer to 12 years at this point). I’ve been online dating that long as well. I was meeting people in AOL chatrooms in 2003, I met dates from Myspace as far back as 2005, and I started my first online dating profile in 2007 when OkCupid first came on the market.

      • October 28, 2015 at 9:51 am
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        Oh sweet, that’s some extensive dating experience! Full disclosure, I went through a ton of your older blog posts and they all had the same no-nonsense, practical advice, just like this one. Keep it up 🙂

      • October 28, 2015 at 11:17 am
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        Thanks Karan! I try to be as honest and forward as possible and I’m glad that rings true if you go back to some older posts 😀

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