My Ex just got married and he’s texting me. Is that okay?

fashion-beauty-model-portrait

Cms010409 asks:

Question: I’ve been out of my relationship with my ex for just over a year. We’ve remained in contact and have continuously had a flirty relationship, even though he lives hours away. That is until I learned from a friend he got married… JUST LAST WEEK (which he failed to mention he was in a relationship never-mind engaged). Oh, and the wife posted pictures on Facebook of their honeymoon in paradise. FUNNY part is JUST this morning, he texted me (yet again, a flirty text) not knowing I know he’s married.

Anyways my question is: Do you think it is EVER okay to text your ex while your married? Could he perceive this as just being friendly, or is it just wrong? I’m never planning to talk to him ever again, but I just was curious to hear your thoughts.


Demetrius says:

Depending on who you ask, and the circumstances with each of their exes, I’m sure you’d get a wide range of different answers. But, here’s my opinion.I think that texting anyone while in a relationship can be harmless and harmful, depending on a few factors. Those factors include:

  • Honesty
  • Intent
  • Their Partner’s Approval

When it comes to any exchanges you have with someone, honesty is important. The thing is, if it’s someone you sort of know already, you expect a certain level of honesty. In your case, he was blatantly dishonest by omission. It would be one thing if he was casually dating a few people and didn’t bring it up, but the guy went from being engaged, to married, and didn’t say to you “oh hey, by the by, I just got married! How awesome is that” which is dishonest on so many levels. The purpose of texting a friend, since that’s the pretense he’s texting you under, is to have conversation, catch up on their life, you know, communicate information to them. The fact that he wasn’t communicating information to you about his availability  says to me that he purposely wanted to be dishonest but you know,  I have no clue why someone would text their ex and not mention their current marital status while simultaneously flirting with them. NO CLUE WHATSOEVER.

The intent is especially important because even he was honest about his marital status, if the intent is negative in some way, it wouldn’t really matter whether or not they’re honest. Look, we both know that the reason he was texting you is because he wants to flirt with you, and who knows, maybe even try to sleep with you if the opportunity arose. Even if he had told you “I have a fiance, but whatever, I still want to flirt” that wouldn’t make the situation any better. The intent in addition to the honesty is incredibly important. If he was honest AND his only intention was to keep up with you, he still regards you as a close platonic friend, sure, no problem there. That wasn’t the case though, and it’s clear based on his honesty, or lack thereof, and his intention.

Lastly, whether or not their partner approves is incredibly important. I’m not saying that we should all bend to the wills of our significant others, nor do I think that they can dictate who you can or cannot communicate with, but I think that it’s something that both you as the person receiving the texts and the person texting should consider. Were I in a situation where I was texting with an ex, or even a friend who was in a relationship, regardless of the content of the conversation, I’d want to know whether or not their partner was okay with it. Now, whether or not I continued to text them after learning where their partner stands is a different story, but I at least like to know where I stand. I like to know whether or not I’m going to receive texts saying “DONT YOU TEXT HER ANYMORE” you know? But also, I like to know if texting someone is generally cool because I prefer not to add drama to a friend’s life needlessly?

If you’re texting anyone in a relationship, whether they’re married or not, or your ex or not, what matters most is honesty, intent, and their partner’s approval. In your ex’s case, you rightly determined that you shouldn’t text him again because he was dishonest, his intent was to flirt with you while clearly very committed to someone else, and I’m sure you can determine whether or not his wife would approve of him flirting with you. Wild guess: Probably not. I think that there can be texting between you and an Ex, even if they’re married,  but under specific circumstances. Hypothetical situation: if I was incredibly close with an ex from  12 years ago, AND we were really close friends at this point, AND I had met her husband and he was cool with it, AND she was honest on both sides as to whether or not we were text, honest about her intent, AND her husband was cool with it, sure, not a problem. A little less extreme, if it was an Ex that wasn’t serious, or a lot of time had passed and we’re in different places, but still friendly, and they were honest and the intent was friend, and their partner was cool with it, that’d be okay to.

What’s not okay is simple: flirting is an immediate no-go, dishonesty is an immediate no-go, texting with them could contribute to problems in their relationship is a no-go. Simple as that.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

3 thoughts on “My Ex just got married and he’s texting me. Is that okay?

  • January 27, 2016 at 11:40 am
    Permalink

    I am going to say, you need to stop immediately. You can either tell him why or not, depending upon many factors. If it were me, I would stop, tell him to stop, tell him he is headed for disastrous marriage because of his own actions, and let me know if he does it again, the wife will be a facebook note of the exact texts he sent.

    Reply
  • January 27, 2016 at 2:40 pm
    Permalink

    i agree with you on this. The intent is most important part too. if someone is texting to see if they have a chance or just to see if they can get a response from the ex i would say no too

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.