She’s active on a dating site, but not responsive. What gives?

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haplessguy asks:

I’ve been seeing this woman I met online for about a month, actually a bit more, maybe twice a week. We met online.

It’s pathetic, but I’m having a hard time interpreting why she is sometimes still online/active on there, but even after a couple of days of not talking, she’s not sending me messages. Yet if I reach out, I can reliably line up a date.

Basically, I like this one, and whenever I see the green light on her profile, it’s sort of kick in the gut. Obviously I am not saying that its bad behavior or anything, and I can take it. But I’m still makes me confused.

I’m new to online dating, so I guess I’m just trying to figure out what is normal here.


Demetrius says:

Here’s an interesting thing about your question: You refer to yourself, (“I”,”I am”, “I’m”, or “I’ve”)  a total of 12 times. Which isn’t an indictment of you as a person, but more a sign that maybe you’re a bit too focused on yourself to see the forest for the trees. What you’re asking is this, minus all your hurt feelings: Is it normal that someone who I met a month ago isn’t very responsive unless I try to set up a date?

The answer is yes, and also, secret answer to a question you didn’t ask, chill out. Seriously, you gots to chill.

Here’s what I can tell you about her, and about online dating in general. When you meet someone online and you start dating, chances are good that they’re still dating online until things start getting really serious. At the very least they still keep their account open and “dating” really is just being receptive to meeting someone new, not necessarily actively searching. For the most part, people tend to avoid putting all their dating eggs in one basket, and thats what it seems like she’s doing. She’s still active on dating sites because you’re not in a committed relationship, simple as that. If that bothers you, please remind yourself that you are on a dating website checking her to see if she’s active on said dating sites, beloved. For all you know she could be doing the same thing you’re doing, tracking to see if you’re online, feeling hurt and what not. But probably not, because what you’re doing is lame and you’re the one who is essentially kicking yourself in the gut.

Here’s what you could be doing instead of fretting over what is essentially nothing. Plan a date. Then, if that date goes well, plan another one. Then another one, then another one, ad infinitum. If you’re worried that she could be out there meeting other people, or ignoring you, it’s probably because you’re not taking enough initiative. You said that if you reach out you can reliably line up a date, so line up dates. Stop tracking her movements on dating sites and GO ON DATES WITH HER. Anything else that you’re doing that makes you feel terrible is something you’re doing to yourself. Instead of focusing on the “I” in your situation, focus on the “We”. Instead of “I say that she was on a dating site and I got the sads” you should be saying “We’re going out next Friday and it’s going to be great”.

Online dating isn’t all that different from offline dating, the only difference is that you can actually see when someone is out there checking for dates. Trust me on this, the people you meet offline are dating other people, responding to texts, getting flirted with in public, etc. so don’t stress about whether or not your lady is showing up as active on dating sites. Just set up dates and if things really start getting serious, talk about deactivating your accounts. Simple as that.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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