Catching feelings for my Friend with Benefits. Can I take it to the next level?

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mkim92fs asks:

I’m starting to see a pattern with this girl I met on Tinder (no shit Sherlock, right?). It seems like we only hang out during the week. Our times consist of dinner, sometimes drinks, and sex. We don’t text too much, but when we do it’s usually just to set up another date.

She used to initiate a lot more with her texts and send me sexy pictures. Now it seems like she’s pulled back a bit even though we just texted to hang out on Thursday. This will only be the 5th time together, but I feel like it’s losing steam and I want to spool the turbo back up and shift it into high gear.

I still see her being active on Tinder, so I assume she’s seeing other guys. Is it possible to try to “win her over” from a FWB/fuck buddy to something more, or am I doomed because of the premise of our relationship from the jump?


Demetrius says:

Here’s your new word for the day: Apophenia. It refers to the human tendency to recognize a pattern within random data. Humans have an incredible ability to recognize patterns and they also have an incredibly ability to misinterpret random data and think it’s a pattern. That’s Apophenia! Why am I leading with this? Well because my answer is going to be short and sweet, and I figure I might as well teach you something while I’ve got your attention. No, I don’t think you’ve got Apophenia. I do think you’ve recognized a clear pattern, I think you’ve got zero chance of winning her over, and I think your FWB situation is doomed.

I hate to break it to you, but you know that this fuckbuddy thing you’ve got going on has a rapidly approaching expiration date. That’s true of your situation, and friends with benefits/fuckbuddy situations in general (and if we’re gonna get deep, all human relationships man. Nothing lasts forever) Think of FWB/Fuck-buddy relationships the way you’d think of a roller coaster. It’s awesome while it’s happening, but it usually ends pretty quickly, you get all these weird, mixed feelings while it’s happening and when it ends, sometimes there’s vomit. You’ve been having fun, and it sounds like you’ve already hit the peak of your sexy fun-times  with this Tinderoni, so just try to enjoy it while you can (btw, kudos to you for getting sexts after a couple dates!). You’re at the end of the ride, where you can hear the brakes start to click-clack and things are slowing down so you can disembark, but you still want more. That’s completely understandable and I feel your pain but these things always end.

I’m not saying that it’s impossible to turn a friend with benefits into something more, I’m saying that it’s impossible to turn YOUR friend with benefits into something more. I’ve been in both of these sort of situations, where I want someone to change from being a friend with benefits to a dating situation and it worked out, and also where I had no shot in hell of getting someone to change from being sex friends to actually dating. It really all depends on whether or not you both want the same things, and not so much on how things started. If you meet someone and sleep with them on date #1 and they want a commitment and you want a commitment, odds are good that things could lead to a commitment. That said, if you have sex on date #6, and you want a commitment and they don’t, a commitment isn’t in the cards. In your case, it seems like she’s made it clear through her interactions with you what she wants. A lack of a commitment, only hanging out on weeknights (a clear sign that she’s not prioritizing you in her social life), and a minimal amount of communication between each instance of seeing each other. You’ve also noticed that her interest is waning so yeah, you know where things are headed right? You aren’t “doomed” because of the start of your relationship, you’re “doomed” because she’s pretty much done with keeping you around as a friend with benefits and probably never wanted something serious with you to begin with.

You’ll just have to chalk this one up as a loss and move on. Don’t try to win her over, because that’s not what she wants. Keep things going the way they are until they die out or cut things off now if you want, but eventually you’ll have to move on. I suggest that you start being active again on Tinder no matter what you decide, and focus on meeting someone who wants the same things you do. In the future, be clear about what you’re looking for when you’re dating so you’re less likely to be caught in a situation where you want monogamy while the other person is looking for casual, non-monogamous dating.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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