Great date, now her texting is off. Am I reading too much into it?

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stones91 asks:

So, I went out on Thursday with a girl I met on tinder. Went for dinner, few drinks, etc., and it was really cool. She mentioned going out again next week too, so that’s good..

I’ve not really heard much from her since and she’s really bad at texting back. It’s not hard to reply, so basically does that mean she’s not interested at all or am I reading far too much into it?


Demetrius says:

The first thing I’d ask you would be simple: Have you tried to plan a date yet? While deciphering texts is something that takes a bit of skill and a bit of nuance, you can put yourself in a position that requires no interpretation if you’re direct.

Let’s say you ask her out on another date, using very specific language. Instead of saying that it’d be cool to hang out again, or some other thing you’d say to a someone you met while networking, try asking very directly for another date. Crazy suggestion, but it’s entirely possible that the reason you haven’t heard back from her in a quality way because you haven’t said something to the effect of “I’m free next weekend and I would love to take you on a date. Are you free?”. You’d be surprised at how often that sort of direct approach will elicit a response that doesn’t require interpretation.

If you take my approach, which you should, you’re either going to get one of three types of responses. Yes, No, and Maybe. If you’re asking someone out on a date, or another date and you’re wondering what their response might mean, here’s a simple guide: A Yes is a Yes. A No is a No. A Maybe is very likely a polite No. If you want the best sort of response to your date planning request, make it open-ended instead of specific. Instead of asking about next weekend, or any specific time, try to ask when she’ll be free again and plan your date around her availability. Be clear that you’re asking for her availability to actually plan a date, not hangout. That last part is key. Here’s what you might not know about women, especially the ones using Tinder: they have a lot of people trying to go on a date with them. Yes, that quantity of people varies in quality, and a lot of the men pursuing them are downright terrible, but there are probably 4 other guys who she’d be willing to go on a date with right now if they just ask her directly. You might be a step ahead because you’ve already gone on a date with her, so you want to build on that momentum by asking her on another date, not texting back and forth.

You might see polite texting back and forth after a date as a smart move, and it is if it is something you’re doing in addition to date planning. It’s never a bad idea to try to learn more about someone and build on a date by communicating between the last date and the next one, but you also need to try to see things from her point of view. What’s the difference between a guy who is interested in another date but doesn’t directly ask for a date, and a guy who isn’t interested in another date but is too chicken-shit to come out and say it so he just continues to keep texting going? Not much really. You could probably go back to my archives and find a few questions, from women, asking why a guy continues to text if he clearly has no interest in going on another date and you’ll see what I mean. From her point of view, you might just be another one of those guys. You need to set yourself apart by asking her out, or even just getting the ball rolling on the next date by putting planning in motion.

She might be bad at texting because you’re texting her fluff, while she’s waiting for you to text something substantive. Remember what I said about texting in a recent post, that it should either be a hello, thinking of you, or substantive. While that’s true, I would add that your texts should be mostly substantive. She might not be responding as frequently, or with substance, because she’s got nothing to respond to. Give her something that requires a yes, no, or maybe response. If she still sucks at texting after that, and she gives you a maybe when you ask for a date, she probably isn’t interested in a second date. Either way, better to get a No, or a Maybe, then to sit around wondering why her texting sucks.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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