Should I ask her out on Snapchat?

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knockturnall asks:

A little back story. My buddy invited me to a small board game night he was having with a few of his co workers this past Friday. We played a drinking game of kings and red black high low. Among this small group was a girl, lets call her Jessica. I noticed her Snapchatting for her story and I just blurted out “Hey I wanna see everyone’s Snapchat story!” So she comes up to me and adds me on Snapchat. She was the only one to do it. I never really got to talk to her alone since it was such a small group (maybe 6 or 7 of us), but there were a lot of laughs and given that I was the new guy in group, I think I left a good impression.

We all call it a night and head home. And I tell my friend the next day if my friend is single or not. She is. So I let him know that I’m interested in her and told him to put in a good word for me. I’m not sure if he will, but I’m not going to push it. I wanted to come up with a way to start talking to her so I sent her a snap last night saying I hope she had a fun 4th of July. She opened it, but she didn’t respond back in any way. She also didn’t look at my snapchat story. It’s not a big deal to me, but I’m sure if she was interested, she would.

I want to be straightforward and ask her out on a date, but I don’t even have her number. Should I just make a short Snapchat clip asking her out? Would it be cute or too desperate? Maybe you have another suggestion?


Demetrius says:

I love these sort of questions because my initial reaction is usually a No, but then upon further reading my opinion changes a bit.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with asking someone out via social media, so single ladies please feel free to slide in my DMs 😉.That said, I’m always hesitant to advise anyone to take the most circuitous route to asking someone else out. I think it was a small error on your part to try to initiate conversations on Snapchat rather than just getting her number the next time you hung out.  Because odds are good that you would hang out again. Sometimes the best way to establish a new interpersonal relationship is by being direct, even if it might take a little bit longer to do so. Most of the time I’d rather wait a week or two and ask someone out directly rather than indirectly on a social network, especially one whose focus is on impermanence. But, I do get the motivation to act quickly with what tools you have available.

I may have told this story before, so indulge me. Long story as short as possible: I’m at a friend’s work event and a coworker of hers is there. We flirt, it’s going well, but I don’t get her number because we get separated once the event ended. Since it’s a coworker and not a close friend, I figure the best route is just to message her on Facebook and ask her out directly. In that case it seemed like the least circuitous route. It worked, by the way. I think that if you’re a bit removed from someone, or the likelihood of you seeing them again is incredibly low,  you can reach out on social media to get their number. I don’t care if it’s Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Periscope, or whatever you youths are using. As long as you understand the risks and are genuinely polite about it, there’s nothing wrong with using social media to try to woo someone.

That said, you may have already lost your shot. That might be a bit severe, so think of it as a worse case scenario. Maybe you still have a shot, but you definitely used your first shot. Here’s how things went down:

  1. She adds you on Snapchat
  2. You don’t speak to her one-on-one at all during your hangout, but you feel like you left a good impression
  3. You ask a friend if she’s single, then ask them to put in a good word for you
  4. You sent her a Snapchat (This was when you took your first shot)
  5. She neither viewed nor responded to it

While not viewing your snap isn’t the biggest deal, it’s possible she thinks it’s a dick pic after all, it did cut off a lot of your options. I’ll get into this a bit later, but once you send a message, sending a follow-up if you haven’t received a response is not a good look. It’s not like you’re following up on a work email or something. If I met someone at a party, I message her after our meeting, and she neither reads or responds to my message, I’m going to assume that she is not interested in me romantically. That said, in the situation I mentioned above I sent a message a first message on Facebook and didn’t get a response until a week later. Had I followed that first message up with a second message, it probably would have come off as desperate and not lead to a first date (which it did, and it was a great first date).

Do I think you should attempt another outreach via Snapchat? No, at least not yet anyway. One of the things I’m a big believer in is the idea that when it comes to communication reciprocity is key. If you send a message, wait until you get a response to send another message. Reciprocate the messages you get, and if they’re interested they will reciprocate your messages. Back-to-back messages aren’t going to get you anywhere that your first message didn’t. Yes, there are going to be rare situations where someone genuinely missed your message, but 9 times out of 10 you’re going to come off as the person who can’t take a hint. It’s possible she just missed your Snapchat, or it’s possible that she’s just ignoring it. Either way, sending that second follow-up isn’t likely to help, unless you really want a “sorry I missed your snap” response I guess. I’m not saying you can’t ask her out on Snapchat, but you first have to get a response.

You didn’t make a mistake by reaching out via Snapchat, you made a mistake in how you reached out. But again, it’s a minor mistake, because even if you had asked her out instead of wishing her well, she still hasn’t read your message. There were a few minor mistakes here and there (not getting her number, sending her a message that didn’t build on your connection, asking a friend to put in a good word rather than asking your friend to tell her you’re interested and to pass along your number, etc.) but it’s not like any of those things were life-shattering bad. What you can’t do is repeat your Snapchat message attempt if you don’t get a response. If she replies, try to get her phone number and see if she’s interested in going on a date. If she never views your snap, ask her out the next time you see her in person. If she views your snap and never replies to it, she’s probably not interested so don’t try to push things. Get it? Got it? Good.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

4 thoughts on “Should I ask her out on Snapchat?

  • July 5, 2016 at 5:21 pm
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    This could be because I’m old (whatever, I am) but I believe in things being done in an old school, mature way. Getting asked out via Snapchat? Yuck. If you have access to a girl, ask your friend to set it up properly and get their number. I once had a guy poke me on Facebook and then send me some stupid ‘sticker’ thing in my FB messages…if he was trying to get my attention, he did – but NOT in a good way. GROW UP!

    Reply
    • July 5, 2016 at 5:38 pm
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      I am 100% with you. I would never ask someone out via Snapchat personally, but if I was ten years younger I just might. Still though, I think that regardless of age the most direct way is the way to go. That was the case pre-social networks and it’s till true today. Not sure if the FB poke/sticker guy had a shot before, but he definitely lost it by being indirect.

      Reply

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