I’m Sexperienced, he wants to wait until Marriage. Should I tell him?

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zebra_lady asks:

Okay, this is kinda simple, I[F24]’m dating this guy[M26] for a 3 months now. Things are going really great but we are taking things really slow, I’m okay with that but we had “the talk”. I knew he didn’t have a lot of girls and I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends but he said that he didn’t have any sex experience whatsoever. Nothing but kissing and lightly making out and that he would like to wait for sex until marriage. I’m okay with that, I’m falling for him head over the heels but the thing concerning me is I have a lot of sex experience and I experimented with my boyfriends a lot to find what I like and to explore my sexuality. I’m not sure how to tell him about that. I don’t want to lie to him, that’s not an option. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him, I know he should love me and respect me for who I am and that my experiences made me who I am today, but I’m really not proud about some things I’ve done and he is a nice guy.


Demetrius says:

First let me just say that while it’s cool if you want to wait until marriage to have sex, I for one would never, ever, wait until I get married to have sex. I’m just getting my bias out in the open. I wont commend you for waiting until marriage to have sex  because what you do or don’t do with your genitals with consenting adults isn’t something worthy of commendation. I think commending someone for who they have or have not let get into their pants is archaic, disproportionately used to shame women, and it adds a value to something (virginity) that is valueless and subjective. You know how gold and diamonds are valuable as both ornamentation but also for practical purposes? Virginity is not, thus the value is subjective. Virginity and losing your virginity are concepts that we can’t even agree on the definition of anyway. Wanting to marry a virgin made sense in the days before STD tests, but now? Meh. Anyway, digression aside, let’s answer your question.

Should you tell your new boyfriend about your sexperience? Entirely up to you. I’m a big believer in the idea that the only sexual history questions you have to answer for a partner are ones that will help them assess risk factors for health and quality of life. What could asking someone how many sexual partners they’ve had tell you that seeing STD test results could not? Your new boyfriend might want to know things that have nothing to do with risk factors and more to do with his own pride, but what you tell him is entirely up to you. I’m not saying you should lie, you can just not answer a question if you don’t feel comfortable doing it. If someone asked me “How many people have you slept with?” I’d never answer that question. If they asked me when was the last time I slept with someone, or when was the last time I was tested, I have an obligation to tell them. I’ll say this so the cheap seats in the back can hear me: If you’d rather not share your sexual past with someone, AS LONG AS THAT LACK OF KNOWLEDGE DOES NOT POSE A RISK, EVEN A SMALL RISK, TO THEIR HEALTH OR QUALITY OF LIFE, YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL THEM ANYTHING. If you’ve had sex with, let’s say 100 people, but you have a clean bill of health with a recent full panel STD test to prove this, what you have an obligation to tell your partner are the test results, not how many people you’ve slept with. Have an STD that your partner may risk contracting by having intimate contact with you? You need to be open about that. Haven’t had an STD test in a while, or since your last partner? You need to be honest about that. Specific sex acts you’ve done that you now regret? You don’t have to talk about it if it doesn’t put your partner at risk. Again, you don’t have to lie, but you don’t have to share details that aren’t relevant to them if you don’t want to. This might be an unpopular opinion because a lot of people place a very high value on sexual purity, or not wanting to date “sluts”, but I for one think that outside of assessing risk factors, the rest of the information you share is entirely up to you. Regardless of whether or not your partner wants to wait until marriage, or 3 dates, or 3 months to have sex.

That said, let’s talk about how you view your sexperience. Sweetheart, honey, habibti, why are you letting your sexual past bring you down? Why do you assume that you’re any less deserving of this guy’s love just because you’ve figured out, through experience, what you like or dislike in bed? Who taught you to hate your sexual experience? I’m genuinely saddened by, but not surprised, that you’ve been taught to hate your sexuality and the experiences you’ve had. Society does this thing where we want women to be good at sex, but not actually have gotten any experience. Women are told that their partner wants to have an active sex life with someone who enjoys sex and is good at it, but if they get the experience you need to actually like and want to have sex, you’re treated like shit. Just because your new partner is inexperienced, it doesn’t mean that your experience makes you any less deserving of his love. It also doesn’t mean he’ll want to leave you because of your experience. I will be honest and say that it’s entirely possible that your experience may turn him off. It’s possible, because he might view women who own their sexuality the way you were taught to view your own sexuality and it’s impact on your worth.

All that said, if you do decide to share your experience with someone and they decide to leave because of it, they’re not as good as you think they are. That goes for you, and anyone else. Any hangups someone has about someone else’s sexual past, unless it’s related to their own risk factors, has nothing to do with the caliber of the person in question, and more to do with their own views on sexuality. If he’d leave you because he knew how experienced you are, is he worth marrying?

Oh and as an aside, I went through a ton of traditional wedding vows from the major religions and, oddly enough, I couldn’t find any mention of sexual purity or experience being an emphasis in wedding vows. Weird, right? Honor and cherish, sticking around through good and bad, fidelity, increasing wealth, having kids, maintaining a healthy diet, and lots of other things and yet, not one mention of sexual experience. I guess your sexual history doesn’t and shouldn’t actually matter when you’re going to marry someone.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

2 thoughts on “I’m Sexperienced, he wants to wait until Marriage. Should I tell him?

  • July 8, 2016 at 1:18 am
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    perfect answer, you touch on everything.
    i would gently tell the man i am not a virgin, but would not go into any details other than a ‘first boyfriend’, or whatever he was. check out his reaction from there, and if he is wild with jealousy, fury, etc, hmmmm, maybe the writing is on the wall. if he pushes for details, hmmmm, maybe insecure. if he accepts your sexual past with a smile and a oh gosh and oh okay then, maybe he’s a keeper.

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