Dumped via text after the 1st date. What do I do now?

 

pexels-photo (2)11×06 asks:

What do you do when someone says, that they don’t want to meet you again, but you really liked the other person? How do you respond politely to something like that?

And what do you do against this let’s call it “uncomfortable” feeling after you get a negative reply, when you just want to stay in your bed all day and don’t leave the house?


Demetrius says:

This might sound like a weird thing to say, but it’s basically one of the central tenets of the Tao of Indifference:

Not everything that people say or do requires a response

Most people have been taught that when someone reaches out to you that you should respond. I would like to say that some people/situations do not require a response at all. I’m big on looking at the reward for anything I say or do, and in a lot of situations engaging with someone does more harm than good. If you sent this person a text saying “That sucks” and they responded in a way that only further conveyed their disinterest in you (i.e. I’m not interested, please stop texting me”), I’m sure it would only make things worse. If they responded with something along the lines of “You’re a great person, just not great for me” would that make you feel better, or more bummed out? I’m guessing that hearing that you’re a great person but they aren’t interested isn’t going to warm your cockles.

Look, I know that in situations where you are hurt, your first instinct is to speak up and say something about it. Speaking your piece can be very cathartic but you have to ask yourself how much catharsis can you really get from someone who doesn’t care about you? Can you really clear the air and get things off your chest with someone who has no desire to build a relationship with you? When you’re caught in a rainstorm without an umbrella, do you curse the clouds? When you trip on the street, do you berate the concrete? If your complaints fall on deaf, uncaring ears, are they worth voicing? Look, I’m not saying that you should let people treat you like crap at every juncture, what I’m saying is that voicing complaints to someone who wants nothing to do with you isn’t exactly constructive. Especially if this is a person you never need to see again.

Your desire to be polite to someone who doesn’t want to speak to you anymore is, to be perfectly honest, foolish and a waste of time. Why be polite to someone who neither wants to see you anymore nor particularly cares about being polite to you? If you receive a text saying that they aren’t interested anymore, why do you think you need to respond at all? What purpose do you think that response will serve? Why do you need to make them feel better? I honestly just don’t get why you’re trying to be polite at all. Your response, if any, should be something along the lines of “Thanks for the heads up”. Anything along the lines of “This sucks, I really liked you :(“ is pointless and will only hurt you in the end.

If someone treats you indifferently, you should treat them in kind. If you got a text saying that they weren’t interested, stop wasting time worrying about what to say in your response. They aren’t interested in your response. Don’t respond, and instead of putting energy into crafting a polite text message, put that energy into meeting someone who wants to go on a second date with you.

As for what to do to avoid getting a bit down after a rejection, that’s a little tougher. If you genuinely mean that you lose your desire to do the things you normally do, you could be depressed in a clinical sense, or just bummed out. If you really do lose the desire to go outside after a rejection, you might want to seek out professional help. Loss of interest in activities or hobbies is one of the symptoms of depression after all, but I can’t diagnose you because a) not a mental health professional, b) it’s the internet! If it’s just hyperbole and what you really mean is “I’m bummed out” I would suggest talking to friends. Remember how I was super harsh earlier, well here’s the part where I’m warm and fuzzy Demetrius. If you get rejected and feel hurt, the people you should talk to are the people who have a close relationship with you. Nothing picks me up after a crappy rejection more than talking to family or friends about it. A lot of time, they give a great perspective, or if I just want to vent, are great sounding boards. Be sure to ask before you vent if you’re really going to get deep because not every friend is equipped to handle venting. I would avoid venting on the internet, via forums, for the same reason I would advice against venting to the person that rejected you. If you want to get something off of your chest, you should do it with people who care about you, not unfeeling strangers.

I know I was a bit harsh earlier, but I’ve been in your shoes before, and I’d hate for anyone to repeat my mistakes. Sometimes the first date rejection stings the worst and I understand your desire to want to be polite and say your piece, but trust me on this, it’s not worth it. Saying your piece to someone who doesn’t care will only make you feel worse. Talk to the people who care if you want to say your piece, not to a person who could care less if they ever see you again. Don’t waste your time trying to craft a polite response to someone who never wants to hear from you.

Good Luck Out There.

 

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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