He likes to date slowly AND is bad in bed. What should I do?

randomnamehere1 asks:

So I’ve (26F) been dating/seeing this guy (25M) for about two and a half months. Nothing official, and I don’t think either of us want it to be, but I do kinda want this to be a FWB kinda thing. He’s a nice guy, has a really good job that’s quite high-placed, and describes himself as ridiculously self-confident. But I’ve started to get the feeling he’s not so confident. The conversation is good, and he makes me feel great. He’s always giving me compliments and telling me I’m beautiful (what girl doesn’t want to hear that!?) He also mentions his high sex drive on numerous occasions.

So here’s the rub: In the two and a bit months dating we made out once and had sex once (at my encouragement). I tend to move a bit (OK, a lot) faster, so this is kinda out of my experience zone. The making out was OK, I guess, but the sex was terrible. He couldn’t finish, and actually couldn’t perform for very long – “I can’t feel anything through a condom” line. Yes,  I know this is a real thing, and maybe part of my question – what do I do to help him? I already have great kegel muscles and use them, and a BJ didn’t seem to do a whole lot for him.

So after a two months of dating I finally got him into bed, and it was kinda shit. The next date was at his and we watched a movie before I had to go (class the next morning) and all he offered me was a kiss on the cheek when I left his!? I’m starting to feel a bit confused about what he’s thinking, he keeps texting, setting up new “dates” but nothing physical is going on!? Help please on what to do in this situation! How long do I give him to make a physical move? How do I help a guy that has a hard time finishing/sex in a condom?

Demetrius says:

This is definitely a tough situation to be in, but not completely hopeless. If you’re up to it, you can improve your sex life with this guy but it will take a bit of work on your part, and his part as well. Your issues seem to be related to the frequency and quality of the sex you’re having, and also the fact that your partner cannot have sex to completion. Both issues that can be improved, I promise.

When it comes to the frequency of the sex, and all other types of affection, this can be improved by asking, as long as he’s a willing partner. I’m not trying to make it your job to ask more frequently, I’m telling you to tell him that you want him to initiate more often. You can say it bluntly (ex. “You need to initiate more”), or you can package it in a little softer language (ex. “You know what turns me on? When a guy initiates sex/making out/fooling around”). Either way, you need to speak up. If he was being honest about having a high sex drive, he may be reading you wrong and assumed you wanted things to move slowly or at a slow pace. It’s entirely possible that he’s the type of guy who is more aggressive with people he isn’t interested in maintaining a friendship with because he associates aggressiveness with rude behavior. Early on in my dating life I’d often be more aggressive with the people who I wasn’t interested in seriously dating, and less aggressive with the people I really liked. It often led to having bad sex with the people I liked, and great sex with people I wasn’t that into. I’m not sure why I did it, but I think it has something to do with having a distorted view on sexuality. I’m guessing that your guy might be similar because you mention how often he compliments you and he specifically mentioned his high sex drive. If he doesn’t pick up the frequency of initiating after telling him to, you could always initiate more often if you are okay with it. Or, and this one is an unconventional one, but you can tell him when you want him to initiate. If you’re at his place and you want to heat things up, give him instructions. Tell him to kiss you, tell him to touch you, basically, order him around until you get the sort of physical attention you want as frequently as you want. This does put a more of the work on you, but he might be one of those people who needs explicit permission at all times.

As for the sensitivity, or lack thereof, well here what I think is probably the issue. If he’s circumcised (which is highly likely based on his age), he may just have lost a lot of sensitivity over his lifetime. One of the many benefits of the foreskin (we are not having a circumcision debate, by the way) is that it covers the most sensitive part of the penis, the glans penis (aka the tip). If you’re circumcised, your glans penis  is exposed whether erect or not so throughout your lifetime you will lose sensitivity because of the friction that occurs on a daily. Now, there are some folks who disagree with that assertion but let’s just assume, unscientifically, that is the case. So what can you do? Well for starters, you can invest in getting thinner condoms that are lubricated inside and out. Avoid using lubricants that have a tingle or heat aspect to them because they can cause discomfort over extended sexual encounters. That will help a ton. You could also discourage your guy from all of these activities the day before or leading up to sex: Smoking, Drinking, and Masturbation. All of these either decrease sensitivity or impact your blood flow. More blood flow in the penis = more tumescence, which means more sensitivity. I cannot stress enough that you should not stop using condoms. Unless you’re cool with increased risks of STDs/STIs and pregnancy.

In addition to everything listed above, you might want to increase your amount of time dedicated to foreplay with him, specifically by asking him what turns him on the most and doing more of that. I’m actually very similar to this guy (besides being bad in bed, I hope) in that, TMI ahead: I’m not very sensitive and also am not the hugest fan of receiving oral sex. It’s cool and all, but I rarely, if ever, have oral sex to completion. I actually prefer making out more than oral sex because it’s more of a turn on. He might not be the biggest fan of receiving oral sex, but there might be something he likes a bit more. Maybe he has a fetish, maybe he prefers giving oral sex, maybe he loves good dirty talk, maybe he likes a good massage to get revved up, or emasculation. Whatever really turns him on (hopefully it’s something besides condom-less sex because seriously, don’t bag a FWB without a condom) is the thing you need to focus on as long as you’re comfortable doing it.

With all this advice laid out, here comes the caveat. If things don’t improve, you might want to drop him. If you were in a relationship I would counsel lots of work and communication about your sexual needs, but since you’re not in a relationship you can always bail. If you’ve been seeing each other for over two months and you’re unhappy sexually, you don’t have a friend with benefits, you have a friend who you have bad sex with. If things don’t improve soon, it might be time to cut off his benefits.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.