I got needy, she got mad, but she still texts. Why?


Atos_Bo asks

She got mad because I was needy and had a meltdown but still texts me. I already went no contact to fix myself. I just want some insight into why she continued to text me. I am at fault for it and she forgave me but I found it weird she kept talking to me. The quality of our conversations dropped and when I cut off contact she texted me continuing the last thing we were talking about. She was teasing me over something calling me mean. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 days. What’s it all mean? I just want some last bit of closure here.

Demetrius says:

Another day, another person seeking closure. You know, I wonder if the need for closure has always existed in popular culture, or if this is just something that’s developed more recently. So many of us consume fiction that wraps up things neatly so maybe we just want our lives to resemble the fiction we love. Or maybe it’s just a human drive to think of things in a finite way. Human lives have a beginning, middle, and end, and maybe our drive to get “closure” stems from a subconscious reflection on our own mortality. Either way, I think that wanting to get closure from other people is the wrong way to approach anything in life, especially in dating. Seeking closure from others gives them power over you, and I would never encourage you to give someone power over you who is indifferent about you.

Here’s the thing you should be asking yourself instead of asking for closure: Does the reason she kept texting you actually matter? Take it a step further and ask yourself this: If you finally do get a reason, whether good or ill, will it change anything?

You overreacted to something, what exactly it was is unclear. You had a meltdown and acted in a needy way. You went no contact to “fix yourself“, whatever that means, and now you’re wondering why she might be texting you. Here’s some reasons why:

  • It’s possible you didn’t overreact as much as you thought
  • It’s possible she didn’t view you as being needy
  • It’s possible that she’s a very forgiving person
  • It’s possible that although you might not be a good fit romantically, she’s a kind person who won’t just cut you off because of mistakes you’ve made

Again, you have to ask yourself whether or not any of that matters in the long run. It sounds like you should be working to fix some issues you have, rather than trying to get closure from someone. We’ve all been in a position where we’re dating someone, overreact, then maybe do or say things that we regret. The difference is that most people don’t cut off contact with someone, they apologize and explain themselves. You didn’t do that. You screwed up and then cut off contact with her. I’m sorry, but that sounds like the actions of an unstable person. You’re not some noble hero fighting your inner demons like you’re the Hulk or something. You’re just a guy who got needy and had a meltdown and isolated himself. Your desire for closure is selfish, quite frankly. You were in the wrong, then you isolated yourself and never gave her closure but now you want closure. That make sense to you? The math really isn’t adding up to me. Did you give her closure, or did you just go no contact? But you want her to explain why she’s being nice to you?

Instead of searching for closure from her, maybe look into yourself and figure out your issues. Why were you being needy? Why did you have a meltdown? Why did you need to cut off contact to fix yourself? Why can’t you accept that the situation isn’t closed if she’s still in contact with you, so seeking closure is not only misguided but also premature? These are things that you need to answer for yourself. The focus on getting an explanation from a woman who you treated poorly should be the least of your concerns.

All of this is to say, there’s nothing wrong with trying to get closure, but in your situation it seems a bit misguided. You’re the one who created this situation, so you are the one who needs to create the closure. If she’s done with you as a romantic interest, you should still apologize for your freak out, especially if it was unwarranted. Create your own closure but also try to figure out why you did what you did. The closure isn’t going to help you get better at dating, but figuring out why you had a meltdown might.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

5 thoughts on “I got needy, she got mad, but she still texts. Why?

  • October 1, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    OK, Another day, another person seeking closure. LOL, that is so true, and the comment about does it even matter…. SO true. I am not sure why we sometimes need this. The last line is the best summary. =) Not sure if you did a topic on why we stay in crappy marriages, and use excuses to stay – love to see that.

    • October 2, 2015 at 11:25 am

      Thanks for the kind words. You know, I’ve tried to stay away from Marriages just because I’m so inexperienced about how to make them work (having never been married). I like to cover relationships, and marriages fall into that obviously, but I honestly don’t think I can comment on marriages just yet. The reasons why people stay in crappy relationships might not be the same as staying in a crappy marriage. My grandparents split up in the early 70s, finally got a divorce in the late 2000’s. Part of that was financial, part of it was not wanting to deal with the paper work. Relationships become infinitely more complicated when you involve systems of law.

      • October 2, 2015 at 1:08 pm

        True on law messy. I know I stayed for the “Kids” but later felt it would have been better to leave WAY sooner for them (hindsite). I must say your advice is REALLY good, and I enjoy reading your site.

  • October 4, 2015 at 1:37 am

    Thanks for this. This situation partly resembles mine. All I want is closure and have quite frankly gone a little crazy looking for it.


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