If you have an attractive girlfriend does that mean you’re attractive as well?

 

whiymuvkree-william-stitt12lijonathan asks:

I think that I’m really ugly, but I consider my girlfriend to be very attractive. Others tell me I’m cute, but I don’t know. My face is very asymmetrical and overall I’m unsatisfied about my appearance. However, if I’m able to attract someone whom I think is very attractive, does that mean I am attractive as well?


Demetrius says:

It seems like you want the answer to one question, but you NEED the answer to another. First, let’s answer your question: If you’re able to attract someone who is very attractive, does that mean that you’re attractive as well?

No. 

 

Attractiveness is relative, and is influenced by lots of factors, many of which you have no control over. A lot of what many people consider attractive, are influenced by the colonization of much of the world by European powers. There are some basic things that carry over across cultures, like a preference for symmetrical faces, but even those aren’t always an indicator of universal attractiveness. (For the record, my face is asymmetrical as well, and people still find me attractive, underbite, crooked jaw and all). What doesn’t factor into how attractive you are is how attractive the person you’re with is. Beyoncé is beautiful, of that there should be no debate (Seriously, don’t debate this with me. She might not be your cup of tea, but she’s beautiful and I will fight you to the death with a broken beer bottle if you say otherwise). Jay Z is not the worst looking guy in the world, but by no means is he equally as attractive as Beyoncé. Beyoncé’s beauty has no bearing on how attractive Jay Z is, but it does bring me to the question that I need to answer for you.

Does it matter if you’re as attractive as your partner?

No.

 

Let’s say for argument’s sake that you’re not as attractive as your partner. Does it matter? Do you think Jay Z, after years of being married to Beyoncé, ever wonders whether or not he’s as attractive as her? Of course not! But, we aren’t all worth half a billi, so maybe your issues have to do with confidence more than anything else. Maybe you think tha, even though you’ve paired with a very attractive partner, the fact that you aren’t as attractive is an issue. I understand where you’re coming from, believe me. Less so in a “I know what it’s like to be dis-proportionally less attractive than the person I’m dating” and more like “I know what it’s like to feel somehow less than someone I’m dating”.

What you’re dealing with is insecurity, and that I get. My insecurities with people I’ve dated in the past came from wealth and education. I’ve dated a lot of people from backgrounds that differ drastically from me in terms of the wealth they grew up around, and I’ve often dated women who were much more educated than me, in terms of degree level, not necessarily that they were vastly smarter than me. Even if I made more money than them today, or felt as if I was in the same general level of intelligence, or at the very least they didn’t consider me a dullard, I couldn’t shake my insecurities, and that always turned out poorly in the long run. Eventually, these insecurities would contribute to tensions between us, then fights, then eventually a break up. Until one day I realized one thing that might helped me, and might help you:

They’re with you because they think you’re good enough.

 

Whatever my insecurities were, I had to realize that the women I dated were choosing me. I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth, but that didn’t matter to them, so why should it matter to me? You’re probably not as unattractive as you think, but even if you aren’t even close to being as physically attractive as your girlfriend, remember that she still chose you. Maybe what she finds attractive about you has nothing to do with how physically attractive you might be? Maybe how attractive you are has very little bearing with how well you’ll do romantically, even if you aren’t as rich as Jay Z.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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