I’m lonely and want a Girlfriend. How can I tell if I’m ready?

Fafafini asks: 

I’m a recent college graduate who has never had very much luck with women. I’ve always felt that the women I like are either not interested in me or already taken. The most I’ve dated a girl is for 4 months in college and it ended badly. During college, I had many casual hook-ups and sexual encounters with various women.

I’m a passionate music producer, and I’m afraid that having a girlfriend will take away my valuable time for writing music. I worry that I wont be good enough at putting in the time for a relationship because I am always thinking about my music.

Is this the wrong idea/outlook to have? I really would want an awesome girlfriend to take to music festivals and such. It seems that I am setting the bar too high and I am too picky when it comes to women.

Demetrius says:

Well right off the bat I can tell that you’re not ready for a relationship because of how you phrased this question. That’s not to say that someone who is a busy person can’t find, date, and eventually settle down with a girlfriend/boyfriend, but HOW you phrased your question says it all. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think your outlook is inherently wrong or bad, but it’s definitely not good for someone looking to meet a girlfriend.

You’re still very young (assuming you did the traditional high school then college route of course) so I wouldn’t be too concerned about not having much luck with women. You’re like, 22 years old? It’s perfectly fine to have had not a lot of luck with ladies at this point, because you’ve really only been able to date for like 4 years. That’s nothing! When you’re 52 and haven’t had any luck, fine, maybe take some drastic measures, but 22? You’ll probably be fine, unless you’re a terrible human being of course. Let’s just assume you’re halfway decent.

When you expressed was fear of wasting your valuable time and your ineffectiveness as a potential boyfriend. That, more than anything else is your barrier. It’s clear that writing music is important to you but it seems like, outside of having someone to attend social events with you, you don’t really want a relationship. You value your time for writing music but don’t even allude to the fact that maybe a relationship could be just as valuable. Honestly, it’s okay to focus on your passion, but if that means you can’t devote the time it takes to be in a serious relationship, you probably shouldn’t seek one out. There isn’t anything wrong with prioritizing your passion over dating, so let’s think of an alternative to a relationship.

Instead of looking for a girlfriend, you should seek out someone who wants the same things as you, but not necessarily a relationship. If you want companionship, but also want time to focus on your passion, I would suggest that you try casually dating instead of looking for a relationship. Casually dating can be monogamous, or not, it can involve a commitment, or not, it can involve spending a ton of time together, or not. How you date is up to you, you’ll just need to seek out people who are in the same situation as you. If you’re upfront and honest about what you’re looking for, and what you’re NOT looking for, it’s entirely possible that you’ll meet the kind of girl who wants to be more than just a booty call, who would love to go to music festivals and wear flower crowns, (that’s what the youths are doing these days, right?) and is okay with the fact that you’re going to spend a lot of time focused on writing music instead of her. It’s not an impossible or hard to find situation, you just have to be open and honest about what you’re looking for.

In all seriousness, the not meeting people who are interested in you or are taken isn’t that rare of a thing nor is it unique to you. Dating involves a bit of luck, good timing, and hustle. Sometimes you get lucky and meet someone who is into you and single, and sometimes you’re meeting NOBODY and you need to work hard at meeting people. Don’t worry about it too much, just try to “hustle” by working at casual dating. Join some dating websites if you haven’t already, dedicate some of that precious music writing time to finding a girl who wants to go on a casual date time. If you’re unlucky in love, hustle and make your own luck. It will involve at least some sacrifice of your time, and you should know that before even considering seeking someone out.

It might take a bit of work, but you can find someone to casually date, and that’s what I recommend. Save the relationship search for a time when you can dedicate time into the work involved in a relationship.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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