In Defense of Keeping it in your Pants

I’m usually the first guy who will say that Sex on the first date isn’t a bad idea, but in the spirit of breaking my own rules, I’d like to defend the 3 date (or beyond) rule.

I think we can all agree that if you’re a volume dater, most of your dating experiences end without a lasting connection. It’s just the nature of dating. If you’re like most people, you end up with one person for a long period of time (maybe you’re whole life)  so it’s likely that  everyone that precedes your life-long/long-term partner will not have a lasting impact on your life. Whether you sleep with someone on the first, second, or third date, things may not work out in the long term for a variety of reasons. This is the point where I’d usually say hey, maybe just get sex out of the way and see if it precipitates the end of a fledgling relationship.

Not today people.

Why not give it a couple dates? What do you have to lose ? I can tell you that having sex on the first date, or the third date, doesn’t matter to me as much as you might think. What does matter is the reaction to it. Your reaction to it.

Imagine this: You have sex with someone on the first date, you tell them you enjoyed it and they respond by saying that the sex happened too soon and that they regrets it. Sounds terrible right?

Well, imagine what your response to sex on a first date would be. Does it sound like the text above? If that is the case, maybe you shouldn’t have sex with ANYONE on the first date.

They say that the key to a lasting relationship is to build a connection first, and then get intimate when you’re connected, comfortable, and attracted to that person. In all honesty, when you circumvent the process by having sex first you’re at a disadvantage. Sure, it doesn’t mean that it dooms a potential relationship from the start, but the odds are that if you have sex with someone before you make a strong connection, the relationship will stall at whatever point you had sex. 

If your biggest connecting factor is the fact that you both really really like Doctor Who and you had sex, it’s possible that you wont connect on a deeper level. It’s not always the case and there are chances that after holding out sex until date #6 they still might lose interest but  that’s just part of the chances you take when you date.

Waiting has a number of advantages and even I have to agree that waiting does build up the anticipation, which makes when you finally do the deed even sexier because of the antici…pation.

Waiting will (sadly) make more people have a higher opinion of you when you do have sex and (again sadly) will often help you maintain a high opinion of yourself. (Editor’s note – In no way do I think that this should be the case)

I’m not saying that you’re a slut if you have sex on the first date. In fact, even if you consider yourself a slut, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a slut. However, I am aware of the fact that societal pressures/opinions often change how we perceive ourselves. I know that as a man, the societal consequence for my promiscuity are minimal compared to a woman of the same demographic.

I’m good at dating if I’m promiscuous or have numerous partners.

She’s a slut if she does the same.

It’s just how most people view dating.

The best reason to wait to have sex is because you want to. Don’t let society tell you what to do. Don’t let your “number” dictate who you have sex with or how soon you have sex. Don’t worry about what someone’s opinion of you will be because if their opinion of you lowers because you had sex with them, they probably sucks.

…and as always, Good Luck out there.

p.s. : you might be thinking, what the hell do you know? Check out this article by Fredric Neuman, M.D. It’s a great read that illustrates the points that I tried to make in my post. …and I quote: “Of course, if the woman herself disapproves of sex on the first date, or at any other time, she should not engage in it. I don’t think people should do what they think is wrong, no matter what the pressures are.”

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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