Met her on Tinder now she wants me to spend the night. Red Flag?

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FinestSilver asks:

I just downloaded Tinder, so I am super new to the online dating thing. I know it’s well-known as a hook-up app, but someone inviting me to their house after less than 24 hours of matching? I feel like the first rule of online dating (meet in a public place) is going off like crazy right now. I’m aware that I could most likely get laid (we’re both early 20’s, I am male), is there any precautionary steps I should take to this? I don’t feel like dying or getting mugged any time soon. 


Demetrius says:

So happy to hear that you’re thinking beyond the length of your penis and approaching your situation critically. You’ve done half of my work for me.

Dating is just like any part of life, in that there are dangers that you cannot predict with any amount of certainty. I’ve been mugged on a first date before and there really was no way to see that coming. Mind you, it happened blocks away from where I grew up, so it wasn’t like I was in a dangerous area that was unfamiliar to me. Sometimes the unexpected and terrible happens and you cannot control it. I’ve also had things stolen from my by a hookup who insisted upon spending the night, so trust me when I say that I of all people understand how online dating can go south. If someone can go into my wallet and steal my monthly transit pass and sneak out of my place while I’m asleep, what’s to stop another person from MURDERING ME IN MY SLEEP? Okay, that’s a bit extreme, but you never really know when you fall asleep next to a stranger.

The red flag here isn’t a moral one, I think if you’re both consenting adults and want to engage in casual sex be my guest. No, the major red flag is how suspicious the whole situation seems. If a woman wants to have sex with a man on a first date, odds are good that even if she wanted to start the date at a bar, she could get him home. Her inviting you directly to her place just seems fishy. This person is asking you, sight unseen, to commit to coming to their apartment for a date. I’m okay with going home with someone you meet online, or in real life, but to commit to it before having met them is putting yourself in some serious risk. I’d caution anyone, male or female, against committing to spending a night with a stranger they’ve never met before.  This actually reminds me of a pretty common scam that people still do on Craigslist. A person lists an item of value at a bargain, whether it’s luxury goods, an apartment listing, a car, etc. and asks the potential buyer of said goods to meet them on their turf with cash on hand. They show up, cash in hand, and are robbed of said cash. If I were criminally inclined and I wanted to put men in a position where they could be robbed without the interference of bystanders on the street, the best way to do that would be to lure them to an apartment using pictures of an attractive woman.

I’m not saying that’s definitely what you’re risking, maybe she just wants to get right down to sex, but it’s not exactly like you’d be in a position where it isn’t plausible. Maybe you’re just not as street smart as me and think this is all a harmless setup for casual sex. That may be so, but I would still caution against meeting a stranger at their apartment. Maybe she wont murder you, but maybe you’ll get there and realize she’s not your type and don’t want to be in her place. Maybe she expects sex and a sleepover and you’re not even sure if the woman in the photos is actually her. I think by agreeing to meet a stranger at her apartment you’ll be doing yourself a disservice, even if their isn’t a risk of harm. If nothing else, you should at least agree to meet her somewhere public to see if you click, then if you’d like to, go to her place. Even if this is just a no-strings-attached fling, you should know if you even want to sleep with her before committing to going to her apartment.

New rule: It’s okay to have first date sex if you want, but meet on neutral ground and get a read on a person before you do so. I’d hate to see you murdered or robbed on your quest for tinderella.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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