My crush never called and I might have scared him off for good

sushisusherson asks:

I am [23/F] and he’s [33/M].

Had a drunken night a week ago on where my crush works. At some point during the night, I managed to give him my number and proceed to tell him some probably creepy stuff and told him I was actually there to see him in which I yelled to a pillow the whole day next day for. Had a little anxiety attack for half an hour at the end of the night. He has my number; he never called/texted to even check up till this day.

Friend said to forget him. I have gone back and forth between cringing over myself, feeling guilty and embarrassed, hating him, blaming myself for ever going out that night, blaming him for being him, screaming into a pillow, blaming alcohol but drinking it to forget that I blame anything, getting some fresh air for a few hours, finding distractions, feeling stupid, and basically just shit you do when you over think maniacally.

Right now, I’m at blaming him for being him, and repeating, “he’s a little bitch, he’s a little bitch…”


Demetrius says:

You know, I really appreciate the fact that you specified your gender in the question because it goes to show that “Nice Guy” mentality extends to both sexes.

Here’s the deal, you took a shot, you blew it or he wasn’t interested, and he hasn’t reached out. While it sucks to get rejected, I think your response is a bit disproportional. It definitely reminded me of a few questions I’ve answered, usually from a guy, where he lays it all out on the line, gets rejected, and beats himself up endlessly over his failures, then turns his anger toward the rejector. Here’s what I’d tell them, and what I’m telling you, and really anyone else fretting over whether or not they screwed things up: You probably did screw things up, but dwelling on it will get you nowhere.

Look, humans are fickle. One minute your crush is into you, next thing you know they’re hooking up with some rando. The thing is, you can either take your failures as learning experiences, which would be the smart move, or you can dwell on them and villainize the people who rejected you, which is the wrong move. Let’s say that before you showed up to your crush’s job he was maybe-kinda-sorta interested, but then you were creepy and it turned him off. Is he a bad person for having personal preferences, or being turned off that someone he doesn’t know well was a bit creepy? No, there isn’t thing wrong with what he did. Maybe you’re the type of person who posts quasi-inspirational memes on Instagram that say things like “if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” and think that this is a truism. It’s not. It’s not like you’re his wife and you’re facing a challenge in life and require his support, you’re a relative stranger who was creepy and it turned him off.  You might be thinking “he’s a little bitch” because he couldn’t deal with you being creepy, and you’d be wrong, because who in the hell finds being creeped out by someone attractive or endearing? If a guy hit on you and was creepy would you say “you know what, he was a total creep, but I should give him a shot”? No, of course not, because when people do creepy things you get creeped out.

You screwed up, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some great learning experiences here. For starters, if you’re interested in asking someone out and plan to do it, do so when you’re either sober, or relatively sober. Being drunk can make taking risks feel easier because of lowered inhibitions, but it also means that all your either faculties are impaired, like your understanding of boundaries and social graces. Next, try to avoid being creepy, in general. Most people come off as creepy when they’re trying too hard to show as many of their best qualities as possible, which usually involves oversharing. I’m guessing that you were trying to be interesting, by divulging bits of information about yourself, and things took a sharp turn into TMI town. Instead of oversharing, keep your cards close to your chest until you actually know a person. Creepy is relative, and leading with conversation that would be more appropriate after a few months of dating can be creepy, whether that was your intention or not. Finally, don’t beat yourself up, it will only make things worst, especially if you’ve got an anxiety issue. Don’t dwell on  the mistakes you made, or feel guilty or embarrassed, because trust me, we’ve all been in your shoes. Don’t hate yourself, or him, just try to move forward. You took your shot, you missed, but it’s not like there aren’t countless other single men out there. Don’t drink to suppress your bad feelings because, fun fact, alcohol is a depressant. It will literally make things worse!

Don’t sit there wringing your hands, dwelling on your failures, just try to learn from them. You took a chance and failed, but it’s not the end of the world. Learn, grow, get better, and don’t beat yourself up.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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