She’s not ready for a relationship. Should I continue to see her?

Truelich asks: 

There’s a girl that I’ve been talking to and hanging out with for the past few weeks. We hung out almost every day, and spoke on the phone or texted for the majority of every day. We’ve kissed, made out, etc. but nothing more than that. Yesterday, whilst hanging out with her, she seemed like something was wrong with her, and when I asked, she finally told me after about 5 minutes of asking that she didn t want to be anything serious right now. Confused by what she had just told me, I asked her why. She told me she liked me a lot, but she didn’t want to be anything more than friends for right now. I told her we were just friends to begin with, and she said “Friends don’t kiss do they?” and I didn’t reply. After a few minutes of silence she said something along the lines of “We can still kiss and stuff, and you’re still extremely attractive to me and I like you a lot, but I m not ready for a relationship.” She also said that we’d still hang out with each other.

Should I continue to hang out with her and stuff? I really like her as well, and I’d like to have a relationship with her, but I don t want to set myself up for disappointment. Could someone please give me further guidance? Thanks!


Demetrius says:

I appreciate your use of “whilst” more than anything else. That just added a great whimsicality to your question. In all seriousness, I appreciated how earnest you were and I always want to help the person get the girl, but in your case, I think you might have to cut your losses and move on. I’m not saying that people can’t just date casually, but I know that you definitely shouldn’t try to date this girl casually. Let me tell you why.

For starters, you very clearly state that “I’d like to have a relationship with her”. She also very clearly has told you she is not ready for a relationship. That alone should be a deterrent. Some people would say “wait it out” but I’m not one of those people. You shouldn’t wait it out, you should be upfront and honest and tell her that you both want different things and it’s probably best to move on.

More importantly, you don’t want to be disappointed. Disappointment is bound to happen in dating, but the worst kind of disappointment is the kind you make happen to yourself. Continuing to see her and make out with her is only going to delay your eventual disappointment.

So no, don’t continue to hang out with her in that way. If you think you can be friends without all the fooling around stuff, go for it. Remember that means literally only being friends. No kisses, no flirting, no hinting at wanting more, no sexting, and so on. If that sounds like it might be too hard for you, it’s probably best to cut off the budding friendship.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

11 thoughts on “She’s not ready for a relationship. Should I continue to see her?

  • July 15, 2015 at 7:53 pm
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    I am so glad you posted this. As a girl who is not ready to date, I can honestly say that this is good advice. If you also weren’t looking for a relationship, than this would be a great situation for you! However, since you are looking for more, Demetrius is right. Cut your losses now and move on. Also, way to go with “whilst”.

    -Liv
    http://www.rulesofungagementblog.com

    Reply
    • July 16, 2015 at 10:29 am
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      You know, I think a of people fall into the trap of getting with someone, knowing they want different things out of life/dating etc. and still try to go through with it because they think liking or loving someone is enough. It hardly ever works out, and you just end up resenting that person.
      I’m loving the sext post, I’ll be commenting on it on your page 😀

      Reply
  • July 16, 2015 at 12:58 pm
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    What she meant by saying “I’m not ready for a relationship” is probably “I don’t want a relationship with you”. When you’re really into someone you won’t risk their losing interest in you and you’ll go for it with whatever reservations about entering relationship you could have.

    Reply
    • July 16, 2015 at 3:54 pm
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      Absolutely! I was always say…the reason behind the NO doesn’t matter, the NO matters. If it’s a No because she’s not ready for a relationship OR a No because she’s not single, you’re still getting a No

      Reply
      • July 17, 2015 at 2:31 am
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        Exactly, I could not word it better 😄

  • September 11, 2015 at 5:32 am
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    will she change her mind with no contact

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    • September 11, 2015 at 9:41 am
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      Probably not, but she definitely wont change her mind with contact. Sometimes you have to recognize that once you’ve lost your shot, no amount of effort is going to bring it back.

      Reply
  • June 10, 2016 at 9:49 am
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    This is the hardest thing to deal with in dating today. We have so much access to one another via telecommunications that feelings are so often misunderstood, a momentary flirtation can be seen as ‘too serious’ and a momentary request for ‘space’ (be it for dating another person for awhile or just simply personal development) can be seen as complete rejection of potential relationship or the entire friendship.

    I recently (or presently – not entirely sure its been resolved) had such an experience. I projected some lingering frustrations as a joke over a text message – and I’m paying the price. I should have had the self-awareness to back off and communicate that I likely needed some space myself, but now we’re walking (texting) on eggshells. Not sure if I’m going to lose a person that – regardless of shared feelings – is pretty important to me.

    Its crazy how a moment of lost perspective on a friendship/relationship can really mean so much.

    Reply

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