She’s perfect but has a boyfriend…what now?

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justarittleboy asks:

Met her a couple of weeks ago and caught one-itis. After talking and hanging out for a while, she told me she has a boyfriend. I felt something really clicked between us, we had good chemistry (best ive ever felt) and lots of common interests. What now? Should I stick around, become a close friend and wait for her to be available? She’s the perfect one.


Demetrius says:

Did you know that the French word for “Perfect” is “parfait“? So when you order a parfait, you’re ordering a perfect. How amazing is that? Seriously, that is some amazing branding on Parfait’s part. Did you also know that the origin of perfect isn’t about being flawless, that’s a more modern meaning, rather that perfect meant “complete” or “finished“? The transformation of perfect from “complete” to “flawless” is from modern usage related to Christianity (ex. Psalms 18:30 – As for God, his way is Perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.) and was popularized by Descartes by using it to describe the attributes of God. Aristotle defined perfect as efficient, formal, and finished. I wont get into science and mathematics, but perfect takes on a whole new meaning there as well.  Truly, perfect is a fascinating word and concept.

You might be wondering “When the heck are you going to answer the question?” and that’s smart on your part, because I’m clearly stalling. The thing is, the answer to your question is simple: Stop pursuing her. If you organically become friends, by all means be her friend, but I would never recommend that anyone try to build a platonic relationship with someone for ulterior motives. If you actually think she’s amazing and worth connecting with, even if you weren’t attracted to her, then sure be her friend. It sounds like you really just want to bide your time, hoping that this relationship fails so that maybe you can swoop in during vulnerable times and whisper in her ear like Grima Wormtongue trying to sway her to drop him and get with you. Which…no, don’t do that, don’t be that guy. I promise you this, there are people in the world who share your interests, and who are attractive, who do not have a boyfriend. I would be willing to bet you American Dollars™ this is the case. Move on, drop whatever schemes you’re planning, and wish her well.

Now that we got that out of the way, we need to talk about this perfect, “one-itis”, “she shares common interests with me and is attractive so she’s the one” mentality you’ve got going on. First, I want to say that I try to be respectful of everyone’s romantic beliefs to a certain point, but I’m going to be very frank and honest with you. It’s okay if you disagree but here goes: There is no “One“. There is no “Perfect“. Sharing common interests only means that you might be more compatible, but it does not meant that you are actually meant for each other. Some may disagree with me, but I don’t believe that there is a fated person who is the one for you. If there is, how do you explain all the people who never meet the One?  If there is a fated person for you out there, what happens when they cheat, or leave, or die? I’m sorry but no, holding the idea that there is a fated, perfect, “One” for you is a nice thought, but it isn’t realistic. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel. People might have been compatible with you, and you might have  chemistry, but there are many more people with whom you will feel those feelings, with varying degrees of intensity. It is possible that people can have a once in a lifetime connection with you, but that doesn’t mean that they are the “One“. When I was 16 years old I  thought that I had met the love of my life. She was unlike any woman I had ever met at the time, one who was not only attractive and “cool“, but also someone who shared my interests. 14 years later I can promise you that she wasn’t the one, and I’ve met countless women of equal intelligence, coolness, shared interests, compatibility, etc.

Whatever your interests are, someone out there can relate to them. However attractive someone is, someone out there is just as attractive, and maybe more so. No matter how smart, or funny, or charming, there exists someone of equal or comparative value, relatively speaking. Sure, one person might have a better body, but maybe the next person dazzles you with their mind. Maybe the last person was a genius, but the next person is the kindest person you’ll ever meet. No person is perfect, so stop chasing perfect. Start chasing perfect for you. And keep in mind, perfect for you is relative. It’s Perfect for you, RIGHT NOW. People change.

Pro Tip: Perfect for you generally consists of, at minimum, their ability to date you. If someone has a significant other, they are not the perfect person for you.

Good Luck Out There

 

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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