She’s stopped responding after I shared my feelings over text. What happened?

jcarlosarrieta asks:

So I’ve been talking to this girl for around 3-4 Months and we have been hitting it off very well. On our second date , she asked what I was looking for and I told her that I would like something serious, but that I want to get to know her. With this said its been going good. Going on dates,  making out when I drop her off, etc. She introduced me to her cousins and they said she never brings anybody around. With this being said, I took her to the rodeo for a concert and after that we went with her friends to a club. She went with her friends back home because they live very close to each other. I text her saying I really like her and that I enjoy her company. All of a sudden, she stops texting me. I texted good morning 2 days spaced out and I have not gotten a response. If she is afraid of commitment, I understand but why wont she tell me anything. Like nothing at all?


Demetrius says:

Okay, so it seems like we’ve got two things to address. First, whether or not you did anything wrong (spoiler: you didn’t), and why things suddenly changed.

First things first, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you did nothing wrong. I think it’s generally a bad idea to share deep feelings over text, especially if it’s the first time you ever bring them up. That said, saying something like “I enjoy your company and really like you” over text isn’t a dating faux pas, even if that’s the first time you’ve said it. Telling someone you love them for the first time SHOULD NOT happen over text, but telling someone who you like spending time with them over text is pretty innocuous. Oh, and there isn’t anything wrong with when you texted, or the substance either, so don’t think you did anything via text.

Second, let’s talk about what happened. I’ve got a theory, though keep in mind that it’s just a theory, and there is always the chance that I’m wrong. Here’s what I think happened: You were a good fit without a spark, so she doesn’t know how to end things. You dated for 3-4 months and everything was going good, but not great. You were probably a good fit, she was probably interested in seeing you and seeing where things go, but there just wasn’t a spark between you, and so she’s lost interest. Because you’re a decent guy who she has a decent connection with, s he doesn’t know how to handle ending things.

For a lot of people, it’s harder to end things with someone who they feel like they should feel a spark for then it is to end things with someone who is not a good fit at all. I’m guessing that’s what happened here. You were both good on paper, but that ineffable *thing*, the spark that turns dating into something more, just wasn’t there. I’m not saying that you need to be overtly sexual or overt with your displays of affection with everyone you date, but the way you describe your interactions seems to sound very much like the interactions between people without any romantic spark. You make out when you drop her off after dates, and that’s the only thing you mention about the physical stuff between you too. Cool I guess, but it just seems like there’s not much else happening between you two besides kissing at the end of dates. Date at your own pace and all but I’ve had casual dating situations that sound way more like we were dating than this does. It sounds like you were perpetually in the first-three-dates phase of dating, not a quarter of the year worth of dating. And honestly, that’s not uncommon. I feel like whenever I’m dating someone great, who isn’t great for me, there doesn’t seem to be any real progress, it sounds exactly like what you describe.

I think my theory holds up when you consider why you met her friends and some of her family. People tend to try to hit milestones in traditional monogamous dating, and for many people, those milestones are contingent on time, rather than romantic spark or the strength of a connection. You were dating for 3-4 months and you were okay together, so it makes sense that she’d want to have you meet friends and family, even if she wasn’t head-over-heels for you.

I could be right or wrong, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is this: After all this time dating, she can’t be bothered to respond to your texts, which means that she isn’t worth trying dating.  Anyone who cannot treat you like a friend is unworthy of your companionship, simple as that. You might be wondering what you can do to get her back, and if you are, stop it. Right now. Sending another “good morning” text isn’t going to get you a response if she’s lost interest, BUT, if you feel like you need to do something, you can send a text that basically says:

“Hey, just reaching out because I haven’t heard from you in a while and it seems pretty sudden. Not sure what happened, but if there is something going on, even if you want to stop dating, it’d be great if you told me.”

I don’t think people who ghost deserve courtesy, but in my experience, when I have wanted an answer as to why someone ghosted, that approach works wonders. I’ve learned that for me, it’s a waste of time to text people who are trying to ghost you, but if you’re the sort to let this bother you until you get an answer, feel free to reach out.

But don’t expect a response.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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