Should I tell her I only want sex?

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RealUnevenHeterodont asks:

Backstory:

  1. Met Girl on Tinder
  2. Went for drinks – was fun
  3. Met again a couple of days later at my place – fooled around (no sex)
  4. Two days later: Went to her place, only for 2 hours – we both had other plans later but could make some free time for each other), it started to get frisky. She told me she’s on her period. She gives me a blowjob, I tell her I will make it up to her the next time we meet (which I will – I love going down on girls)

Now I think this girl is really cool and it’s fun to hang around with her – but I only want sex. She started to text me after last night, even sent me a picture of her having a good time and teased me about not being there with her (I wasn’t interested – plus I was too tired). I want to tell her that I’m only interested in having sex with her – I’m not looking for anything serious (at least not with her) – we haven’t talked about that yet. Problem is I feel she might be thinking we’re dating (which technically we probably are…I think I screwed up here). Now I don’t want her to feel I’ve just “used her” for a blowjob – I will totally make it up to her and rock her world: But I feel I need to be totally straight with her before doing so.


Demetrius says:

You definitely should tell her that you’re only interested in sex. What’s the other option, really?

How you phrase it is up to you, but you should be open and honest about what you’re looking for. In general, you should tell people before they engage in a sex act with you that you only want sex but hey, we can’t change the past. For the record, I wont judge you for only wanting sex, but I will judge you for not being honest about it to begin with. You’re right though, she does think you’re dating because…you went on a few dates.In my book, once you go on two or more dates and plan on going on more dates, congrats, you’re dating.  The reason you’re in the situation you’re in now is because you’re not upfront about what you’re looking for, (or not looking for) and because of that, I’d guess you’re in similar situations pretty frequently. Here’s some advice for the future: If you’re only looking for sex, be upfront about that.  Don’t wait until she’s already had her mouth around your junk, because that’s way too late in the game. It might lose you some dates in the long-term, but at least you’ll be doing the right thing.

The best way to handle your current situation is to have an idea of what you want out of this situation, ask her to have a conversation with you, and be prepared for her to completely shut you down if she finds the idea of being your fuckbuddy reprehensible. It’s possible that she isn’t interested in being friends with benefits with you, and she might even be offended that you would even think that she’d be okay with just being a booty call. I’m not making a moral judgment here, but people occasionally get  offended when you tell them “I like you, but I just want to have sex with you, and not date”. Maybe don’t phrase it like that, but you should sit her down and tell her that you like her, but you’re not looking for something serious. If she asks what you mean, you might have to get specific and say that you’re only looking for sex. Now’s also the time to say “Listen, I understand if you want something more and if that’s the case, we should probably end things”. Don’t lead her on if she’s looking for a relationship, and don’t feel obligated to try to be something you’re not just because you got a blowie.

Beyond that, in the future, seriously guy, just be honest about what you’re looking for. Plenty of people out there are only looking for non-committed adult playtime so next time around, man up and say that’s all you’re looking for.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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