Should I wait to see if this guy changes his mind about relationships?

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aqua_not_capri asks:
I’ve known this guy for two months. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen but I fell for him. We’ve been talking and he likes me, but he hadn’t been looking for a relationship either and didn’t expect to like me this much. He doesn’t know where this is going to go and has just been enjoying it. As of right now we’re just hanging out and keeping things light.
I know that two months is a very short period of time so I’m not expecting a relationship right now. But as of right now he’s not sure if he wants one in the future. I’ve never been in this situation before. I want to stick around and wait because I have some strong feelings for him. At the same time I don’t want to waste time. I thought about meeting other people while keeping him around but I’m a one-person-at-a-time girl. I’m really stuck.


Demetrius says:

Not wanting to waste your time but wanting to stick around and wait it out is the textbook definition of wanting to simultaneously retain your cake but also eat it.

I’ve got two answers for you. First, I think it’s a bad idea to wait for anyone who isn’t ready, or looking for what you want in a partnership. If someone says they don’t want a relationship, or aren’t sure if they want a relationship, you should move on. If they come back to you, awesome, but chances are good that they wont. Actually, I’m going to level with you here. In my experience, most people do want to be in a relationship, but when they say they don’t want to be in a relationship or are unsure about whether or not they want to be in a relationship, they’re talking about taking that next step with you. For years, I would tell women that I didn’t want to be in a relationship, or was relationship averse, until I met someone I actually wanted to be in a relationship with and, presto-chango, I was very much commitment minded.

So, my first answer is: Girl, you need to leave him. But, I’m guessing that you want an answer to whether or not it’s worth it to wait it out and you need more than just a straight up answer that I’m 99% certain is right. Fine, let’s talk it out.

Let’s say you decide to wait it out, your biggest fear here is wasting your time, which I can relate to. The only resource we all have is time, and who wants to waste that? The thing is, I don’t think any relationship of any type is a complete waste in the sense that they are useless, but I do think that they can be wasteful depending on your timeline and your relationship goals. Each pairing you enter into with a person provides you with a learning opportunity. An opportunity whose currency is time. Let’s say you’re 25-year-old Demetrius. You’re not in a rush to be married, or have kids, or even to have a girlfriend. Would it be a waste of time for you to date someone with commitment issues? Not really, because you’d use that experience to give dating advice to people. Now let’s say you’re soon-to-be-32-years-old Demetrius (in lieu of gifts for my upcoming 32nd birthday on June 10th, 2017, subscribe to the podcast on iTunesStitcher, or Google Play Music), you would definitely not be okay with dating someone with commitment issues because you have less time to spare on learning experiences. Plus, you’re already pretty knowledgeable about what you are and are not looking for. And you’re really handsome, but that’s neither here nor there. My point is, wasting time will always be relative. You don’t mention your age but if you’re 21 years old, and need a little dating experience, I STILL wouldn’t advise you to wait for this guy to become commitment minded because girl, you need to leave him, but it wouldn’t be a complete waste for you to learn the hard way that I’m right. If you’re 31 years old and have a marriage and kids timeline that spans the next 4 years, there would be nothing to gain from trying to wait things out to try to prove me wrong.

AGAIN: Girl, you need to leave him. He probably isn’t going to come around, and while 2 months might be an aggressive (but not wholly unreasonable) time-frame for entering into a relationship, it means something else entirely when someone tells you that they don’t want to be in a relationship at all, or aren’t sure if they ever want a commitment. He knew the answer to that question before he met you, and it doesn’t matter if you’d been with him for 2, 4, or 6 months, the answer would probably remain the same. It’s one thing to say “It might be too soon, let’s see where things go” and another to say “I don’t even know if I ever want to be in a relationship”. If you still want to wait, against my advice, just try to keep in mind what you’re risking. Whether or not the time invested will be a waste depends on what you stand to lose. If you’re okay with investing time, energy, and affection into someone and never seeing a return, and you insist upon not taking my advice, I might think it’s a bad decision but it’s still your decision to make. I’m advising you to not do it at all, but if you insist, be conscious of how much of a waste of time this will be. Girl, you need to leave him, but if you decide to stay, really give it some thought and be resigned to the fact that this might be a huge waste of time.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

3 thoughts on “Should I wait to see if this guy changes his mind about relationships?

  • March 3, 2017 at 3:23 pm
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    I really like your saying what most people really mean when they say they don’t want to be in a relationship right now! Took me a long time to learn that. I’ve also been in the same situation as the Questioner, hanging around is just going to hurt more! Yep LEAVE HIM, but also tell him why- because you want a relationship and he doesn’t. He’ll respect you for that!

    I like that you’re putting your birthday wish list out there now, Demetrius, 3 months in advance. Already got you that present months ago! Excited you’re upgrading sound quality though, that’ll help me get you the birthday present of me recommending my friends subscribe!

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