Wait for someone you’re into, or hookup when the opportunity arises?

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RookieOfTheYear2016 asks:

Do you wait for someone you’re attracted to, or do you hookup with a lower standard if the opportunity arises? This is essentially do you have sex or not.

Have no sex life because you’re picky, or have sex but with icky.


Demetrius says:

When you say attracted, do you mean physically attracted, or attracted to in the want to be in a relationship sort of way. I feel like you’re being way too drastic here.

I think “attraction” is such a broad term so saying “never have sex with people you’re not attracted to” would be way too specific for such a nebulous feeling. I’ve definitely had sex with people I wasn’t attracted to on an interpersonal level, but was attracted to on a physical level. I’ve also slept with people who weren’t my ideal physical type (if that exists) because of my interpersonal attraction to them. Sometimes one trumps the other, and if you’re lucky you find someone who you have a nice blend of attraction types with, but let’s be honest here and say there are countless people hooking up with someone they aren’t 100% attracted to. Attraction isn’t an on or off switch, it’s a bit more layered than that.

This is why I’m reluctant to say “This is the one right answer” because honestly, there isn’t one. Be overly picky and  never have sex, or ease your standards a bit, honestly neither one is a bad answer. The way you’ve phrased the question doesn’t allow for nuisance. Let’s take the central point of the question, do you have sex or not, and reframe it a bit. I think that it’s okay to sleep with someone as long as there is consent, they understand what your expectations are, and you want to have sex with them. Attraction is way too nebulous thing for me to say that it’s a prerequisite, but I do like the idea of wanting to have sex with someone taking precedence over your attraction to them.For example: I don’t think Gisele  Bundchen is physically attractive (or mentally for that matter) but I would definitely have sex with her. Yes, I’m aware that she is objectively good-looking, but I just don’t ever see her and think “I would be physically into her if she was in a room”. She just doesn’t rev my engine the way a Morena Baccarin could, you know? Still, I’d definitely sleep with her. Mostly out of spite, but still. Enough about me, here’s three questions to ask instead of the false dichotomy of picky/icky:

  1. Do you want to have sex with them?
  2. Have you told them what your expectations are? (Relationship, FWB, Casual Dating, Polyamory, One Night Stand, etc.)
  3. Do you have consent?

If you can say yes to all three questions, you should have sex with them. It doesn’t matter how attracted to them you are so much as your honesty, candor,  and desire to have sex with them. If you’re not completely attracted to someone, but you’re honest about what sex will mean, whether it’s a one-night stand, the start of a commitment, or just sexual exploration with a friend, I think you’re in the the clear. And as always, consent. Consent remains the prerequisite for all sex acts. Don’t think of the choice as being one between picky or icky, because life and sexuality aren’t so black and white. Instead, remember that attraction works in a bit more nuanced ways. You can be physically attracted to someone and never want to date them. You can be so into someone’s personality that you want to sleep with them, and countless other ways I don’t have time to list.

If, for you, it boils down to a binary decision, then it’s better to wait it out and have no sex then to settle. Sex takes up only a fraction of the time you’ll spend with a person, so its better to spend that time with someone whose company you enjoy.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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