What’s wrong with having a High Sex Drive as a Woman?

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Partypantsparty asks:

I’m a young and reasonably attractive female. People seem to really like me. But I have a very high sex drive and men seem to not want to date me because of it. What am I doing wrong? Should I be keeping it in my pants and not act upon it? Or so I keep going as I am and hope for the best? It is getting annoying. I seem to fall into relationships that the man will want to spend a lot of time with me hanging out, enjoy our sex very much, but I always still seem to be friend zoned with no commitment. Is the problem me?


Demetrius says:

Let’s just start from the top. You’re asking if your level of desire is inherently wrong, and you’re also asking if the problem is on your end. The answer is no. Obviously having a high sex drive is neither inherently wrong nor is it your fault that the men you date aren’t clicking with you on that level. That said, I can tell you why it’s you’re having trouble finding men who want to commit.

For starters, when men think of women and sex, for the most part they have these very specific pre-conceived notions about a woman’s level of desire and interest in sex. Men think women think about sex and desire sex less frequently then they do, enjoy sex less on average, or want less sex the longer they are in relationships. While that may be true of some straight women, the same could be said of some straight men. There are pre-conceived notions about a straight man’s level of sexual desire that people tend to believe as well. Now, the problem it seems as though you’re facing is that your level of sexual desire is often higher than the men you date or sleep with. Why that could be a problem could be anyone’s guess on an individual level, but if  I had to pick a broader reason I would say it either intimidates men or the idea of having sex at the frequency you want to have sex is unappealing. Which isn’t a negative on your part, or even theirs, it just means that it’s harder to connect with people.

There’s nothing wrong with your sex drive, you just need to meet men who have a sex drive that comes close to or matches yours. The reason your relationships aren’t working out isn’t because of your high sex drive per se, it’s the reaction of men to your sex drive. A lot of men conflate a woman’s level of desire and openness with her sexuality with her undesirability as a long-term romantic option. If you’re a woman who says “I enjoy sex and I have a high sex drive” for some reason you’ll be thrown into the Whore duality, whereas if you’re a woman who said “I might sleep with you on the 10th date and have a low sex drive” you’d be lumped into the Madonna duality. It’s hard for people to reconcile sexuality with viability as a girlfriend, but that’s on them. What you’re asking yourself is what Men ask of you on a subconscious level constantly, which is silly.

It’s not your fault if you keep meeting men who can’t keep up. If a man posed this question, with him having a higher sex drive then the women he dates, I can promise you that most people would immediately say “It’s on her” so in the interest of equality, I’m going to have to say the same thing. Unless your sex drive is unrealistic, like say, demanding sex during the refractory period when it is physically impossible for a man to have sex, then sure that might be a problem. If it’s just that you intimidate men because of your sexual needs? Nah, that’s on them, not you.

With all that said, how you meet someone who would be on your level sexually is going to be tough. Being upfront about your sex drive may come off as not wanting something serious, and who wants to date and find out their partner might not match them on any level sexually? I would say that your best bet is OkCupid. This isn’t an ad, just being honest. In my experience, OkCupid’s matching algorithm is great about matching people who have similar interests, or are on the same level sexually. You can even search for people by whether or not they are sexually compatible with you. That really might be your best bet for meeting men who click with you.

Your sex drive isn’t the problem, but it will cause problems with guys who aren’t a good fit for you. If you’re finding guys who don’t want to commit, trust me, it’s not because of the level of sex you’re having. Trust me on this, keeping it in your pants isn’t going to magically make guys want to commit in the long-term. Finding a guy who wants to have sex as frequently and wants to commit is what will make a guy commit.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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