Why would my one-night stand ask when I last slept with someone?

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happyele asks:

Someone I had a one night stand with is asking when I last slept with someone. I’m STD free. We slept together a week ago after spending the day together. We’re still in touch. He’s in a different country and asked me today when the last person was. Any ideas why?

He also asked me to rate him after sex I assume is to do with his ego. I haven’t answered either question.


Demetrius says:

This is a great question! I’ll try to tackle it from an optimistic and pessimistic point of view.

Let’s start with optimism first. You know what I hope everyone does before, during, or after sex with a new partner? Figure out their risk factors. I don’t care if you’re 18 years old, or 81 years old, opening a dialogue about sexual history and risk factors is a smart thing to do. If I’m feeling overly optimistic, I would guess that your one-night stand is just trying to figure out what his potential risks might be. If you told him “the day before I had an orgy and we didn’t use condoms” that would almost certainly make him consider how risky the sex actually was and act accordingly. It’s entirely possible that him asking about your last sexual partner is just a move to assess risk, and figure out any necessary steps to take based on that risk. Again, I’m being optimistic here and assuming that he’s just trying to keep himself informed about his own health, which you should do too.

Quick aside here folks. When I talk risk factors, I’m removing the human element a bit, and thinking of it the way you would gambling odds. If you have sex with 1 million people, without condoms, your odds of contracting a sexually transmitted disease increase exponentially. The thing is, you could also beat the odds and not catch a thing, even if that’s statistically unlikely. You can also have only one lifetime partner, with whom you use protection, and your odds of contracting an STD can be incredibly low, but you still can catch something. It’s just odds, and odds can be wrong. STDs aren’t some sort of badge you collect when you sleep with amount of people, they aren’t divine punishment, nor are they an indication of the quality of person you are. Sexually transmitted diseases are a thing a lot of people may or may not contract, regardless of their sexual practices, but every single person who is sexually active is at risk for contracting them. Single, Committed, Monogamous, Non-Monogamous, we’re all at risk. So don’t take what I’m saying as judgment on your, or anyone’s sexual practices. Unless you don’t use condoms with strangers, because I will judge you for taking unnecessary risks.

Now, if I was a pessimist, I would say that his asking about the last time you had sex and asking him to rate your last sexual encounter is all about vanity. Maybe he just wants to have his ego stroked a bit and he was seeking a compliment by asking. Maybe he was hoping for an answer along the lines of “It was a long time ago, and you were so amazing that my whole view of the quality of sex has been shattered!”, or something like that. Maybe he just really, really likes to feel like he’s got a certain amount of sexual prowess, and needs you to confirm it.  Oh and, here’s a next level pessimist thought to consider: He’s asking because he’s concerned that he may have contracted something. Maybe asking was neither a best practice nor fishing for compliments, and it was just him trying to figure out if that sensation he’s been feeling is something to be concerned about. Or not, just brainstorming here.

Whether or not any of those things are true doesn’t really matter. How you want to handle the question should be the focus, and how you do it is entirely up to you of course. You can answer his questions, or try to figure out the motivation behind the question. If you want to answer the question and leave it at that, go for it. If you’re thinking that he might be concerned about his risk factors, you might want to ask if that’s his concern. If his concern is about his sexual health, here’s a script for discussing sexual health risk factors:

My last STD test was (insert date), I was tested for (insert testing panel), my results were (insert results), {Optional} I have slept with (insert number of people) since then and have a) used protection that protects against STD transmission or b) did not use protection that protects against STD transmission.

Obviously you can reword it a bit so it doesn’t sound like a robot, but you get where I’m going with the information that you should plug into the parentheticals. If he’s looking for a little bit of reassurance, you can give that to him by providing him with some information. It’s entirely up to you if you want to discuss the details of your last dalliance(s), but you should at least give him some idea of the risks he might be facing, even if they are low to no risks. It’s possible he is just curious, or just curious about risks, or just worried he may have given you something. Either way, get his answer first on what he’s really asking, and respond accordingly.

As for the sexual prowess question, be honest with him. Friends (or friends with benefits) don’t let friends go through life with irrational confidence in their sexual ability.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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