You’re recently single, now what?

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Breakups, no matter the level of seriousness of the relationship that preceded it, are rarely fun. At some point, you wanted things to work out in your relationship, regardless how it ended. Whether it was a short relationship, friends with benefits, a marriage, or anything else that brought you here, welcome. You’re recently single, things have probably changed a bit since you were last single, and now you’re wondering what to do.

Okay, here goes. Something to keep in mind before you read any further, these are my tips. What they are not is gospel. Take what works for you, disregard what doesn’t. ✌🏼

First, let’s talk about Social Media:

I’m a big fan of purging your social media of any trace of your ex, and would encourage you to do the same. That might be easier for me than it is for you, but trust me, it is a big help in getting over the last person you were seeing. You probably use Facebook right? How awful is it going to be when, a month after a break up, they show you a memory from a year ago where you and your ex are being all affectionate with each other. Spoiler Warning: It’s going to suck so hard. Seriously, give it a shot. Delete them from your social media. Delete posts about them. Delete the pictures you have together. Out of sight, out of mind.

Next up, let’s talk about grieving:

I’m a big believer in taking a break from dating after a break up for a lot of reasons. First, you really should do a very clinical and dispassionate look at why things ended. Did they really end just because you drifted apart, or did you miss the warning signs all along that you just were never a good fit. Did you really break up because you just were fighting too much at the end, or were you fighting the entire time, and you finally had enough. There comes a point where you need to look at your relationship for what it was, warts and all. Next, take some time to really grieve for the loss of your relationship. Even if they were just the worst goddamned person in the world at the end, at some point you cared for them. If nothing else, grieve for the version of yourself that cared for them. Finally, and most important, take a break from dating. Give yourself time away from dating to just sort of center yourself again.

Next, let’s talk about whether or not to Date Online or Not:

Really quick, I want to address a conversation I see play out fairly often. There is this persistent belief among some people that dating online will inevitably end in failure, primarily because there are so many options, no one ever wants to settle down. The thing is, that might be true of some people, but it’s definitely not true for everyone. Almost every single person I’ve dated seriously is someone I met online. The last wedding I went to, want to know how they met? Online. Obviously it’s not true that every single person who dates online is always looking for the next match. One other thing to remember, if your thinking is that YOU wont date online because everyone is just too picky so they’ll never settle down…you know that doesn’t mean that the people you meet offline aren’t dating online, right? It’s not like there’s something stopping people who date online from meeting people offline, you know that right? Now, if you don’t want to date online because you’ve consistently had negative experiences doing it, by all means skip it, but don’t NOT date online because someone told you it was terrible.

If you’re looking to date, casually or otherwise, my advice is to use every single tool you can to your advantage. Date online, use a matchmaker if you can afford it, ask friends about their hot friends, approach people at singles bars/events, use everything at your disposal to meet someone who you feel comfortable doing. Don’t assume that you have to date online, and don’t assume that because you are dating online that you can’t find someone through friends or coworkers. Whoever you are, I think you should date online, or at the very least give it an honest try. You don’t have to dedicate yourself to ONLY dating online, that’d be silly, but why not try it. Most of the biggest and best sites and apps are free, and take about 5-15 minutes to sign up for, so what do you have to lose? If you end up not liking the experience, delete your account.

Last but not least, something to remember:

Being single isn’t an identity you need to associate yourself with if you don’t want to. You’re probably a halfway decent to pretty awesome person (which I feel safe in saying because my readers are wonderful), who just happens to be single now. It’s not an indication of your worth as a person. There’s nothing wrong with being single, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with you because you’re single. You’re worthy of love, of finding someone who is a fit for you, you just haven’t found them yet.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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